Miss the Past...and the people...still here...but distant..
Reading my notes for geog from the plate tectonics and fertility/mortality of population geog which was like at the start of my first three months at ACJC...to hydrologoc processes and urban geog which i just studied for for the JC2 terms...i'm reminded of the long yet short journey of JC life...which will end so quickly this year, and i can't help but be amazed at how much i've gone through in such a short period of time...in a way its been so short yet so eventful. Really i miss the times that have gone by, because so much has changed...and i only now realise how precious the times were, and i miss those times because i realise that there are so many things i wish i had made better use of...i know that i wrote about the whole of last year in one of my blog post sometime after last years promos, and i said i didn't regret anything, tts true although what i'm saying here seems to contradict that. The reason is that i know God made everything turn out the way it did for the best for me. But, i must be honest...there are things i could have done better in...So it is due to the fact that at the start of my JC life, things were relatively better than now, and there was so much potential then...and i wish i had made the best of it. Still, i know that i wouldn't change anything. Its just that things were going so well...when now it seems to be fading...i suddenly thought abt all this and it isn't random, coz as we reach closer and closer to the end of JC life, we have to think abt what we have made of the two years...and i want to change things b4 it never comes back...
Firstly, i must say that, it is my relationships with people that makes me regret the most, (though i don't regret because i know its all part of the plan), and i only regret slightly abt the sku stuff. When i first began, it was a chance to start on a clean slate...then, when orientation first started...i don't think i actually got involved quite enough, i didnt' really give a gd impression of myself in a way. Then, when i tried to make a friend...it began ok. Next, it was the first three months class, 1AA5, then i thought...it wasn't difficult for me to get friends among the ppl in my class, so at first i never really worried abt making friends, coz i thought, nah, i'd easily win friends over in my class. Then, in the meantime, i said something i shouldn't have...and that left sort of like a bitter taste in the mouth, as the possible friendship seem to kinda sour. Of course, i apologized...then that took awhile. Then, i began to realise how i should at least try getting closer to my classmates...so i tried and of course then my classmates were real nice, and i could almost always be with my class mainly at the void deck and even in the canteen at times...u know then i felt really really part of a group of ppl, and although at times i sat with my class not saying a single word...it still felt like a great conversation. In fact, some of my classmates were already very nice to me at this time, like two of my classmates like helped me when my maid came late...one of whom still is my possibly better friends rite now, considering i dont' have many friends rite now, the other in fact is still my classmate now but a drift is apparent.Then, it seemed like the bitter taste went away and there was a replied apology and u still replied me. I thought things could improve from there. So then, for me and my class...this was a great opportunity to improve ties, but then it seemed we began to drift apart, never understand why till this day. Then, tried calling...but only served to be an awkward moment, which didn't help things improve. I still said stuff, and still received replies...stuff like well wishes. I somewhat, seemed to be getting more distant from the class at abt this time as it began to close in on the end of the first three months. But, i must say the first three months class brought me closer to the feeling of friendship then the class now ever makes me feel...although at times i still felt lonely when i tried to make the friendship work with the class, it still was slightly better than my situation now. I know though that i somehow, should have done more to save the situation. Next, i began to say things things without replies...was it that the things i said were too fast or not right in any way or offensive, or never did any friendship ever begin, and the replies were just out of courtesy...but u never replied anymore. Just b4 the first three months ended, it ended on a better note as we could at least have a class outing which i could be a part of, and the last minute show of concern as we prepared to face the Olevel results. This sort of ended the good start.
The next step, then, was for a new class, since many of the people who made me feel so great in 1AA5 left. Some ppl still remained of course. By this time, it seemed like i never knew u and u never knew me as i tried to put it behind me. At first, things were pretty fine, and i must say my relationship with the class was still fine. Then, the class formed groups very different from what it is now. Somehow i was pretty close to the class still...though much less, i still could manage to stay with the class at the void deck sometimes. [Only as the year wore on, and just b4 things were beginning to sour and the loneliness was abt to hit me, someone gave me renewed hope and vigour, she seemed to be sent to help me or something, and not that anyone or the person knows but the person who wishes to touch someone's life, seemed to have done that by befriending me. And, in a similar tutorial class too. This bit actually happened just b4 the end of first three months but only began to really become something after the first three months...during this period..i.e. april, may, june, july. As, the pat on the shoulder, the smiles and the hi's, were like almost always.] Then, the next period of time, i.e. july, august, september, so much happened that i can't rmb, i only know that by abt July, August, september, the class seemed to change, as groups changed...and for some unknown reason again, i drifted apart this proved to be the turning point until todae, that i seem to always complain abt having no friends began at this point. By close to the end of the final term, this marked the time where all my relationships drifted apart...and no more feeling like part of a class, no more of the person, supposed to have befriended me, and my last ever thing i said to the other person i was talking abt, seemed to end that possible friendship. Loneliness had struck so unexpectedly. This is where i cannot understand...how all the friendships in one moment all just disappeared?...was it something i did, was it something anyone(you) said...sounds abit like the avril lavigne song...haha...but precisely thats how it was. The drifting apart was marked by the drifting apart of my closest friendships. At this time, the only chance for friendships came from pw...and of course with like coming over to my house. After most stuff was done for the year, effectively...i was so alone. So that was a long narration on events...of my frienships for the year 2007...and that was how it ended with loneliness...
Now, rite now, todae...so much of my friendships, still remains on the edge. However, i don't want it to end like this...tts why i keep on repeating this stuff....but now i realise how great it was when i had the potential for friendships but due to all this drifting apart, the potential never materialised. Still, i know that it isn't too late to salvage the situation and bring it back to it's former potential, and then maybe i can still make the friendships work out. I miss the times that i sort of had friendships...and i also miss the potential which i wish i had made the most of to maintain my friendships. Rite now, i still believe that my friendships are still there...it's just that i'm pretty distant with the people i know at this point...so why i write abt all this now?...No not because i still am complaining abt having no friends...i just want to have frienships and so much more...because i miss having friends...and like i always i want friends so that i too can touch the lives of others, and fulfill God's purposes for my life...and finally, i don't want to regret, abt all the friendships that still remain as could be's...well, possibilities. Just know that, at the end of all this, my point is that i really want to have friends coz i miss the times, where i had a small taste of what friendships can bring because most of my frienships...never reached its full potential. The funny thing is that as i write this i'm no longer like last time where i was upset abt having no friends...but its a feeling of missing friends kinda thing, its hard to explain.
So, i'm kinda not feeling right abt my life at this point...so bored...suddenly, i seem to have been clouded abt my purpose in life and frienships. I'm just praying that God will clear my confusions at this point and also have me to continue to focus on how i should spend my time and make the friendships work. My post now ends here abruptly but i'm not even sure what the whole point of my post is anymore....but ya...tts that.
Just really miss the friendships...!!!
Firstly, i must say that, it is my relationships with people that makes me regret the most, (though i don't regret because i know its all part of the plan), and i only regret slightly abt the sku stuff. When i first began, it was a chance to start on a clean slate...then, when orientation first started...i don't think i actually got involved quite enough, i didnt' really give a gd impression of myself in a way. Then, when i tried to make a friend...it began ok. Next, it was the first three months class, 1AA5, then i thought...it wasn't difficult for me to get friends among the ppl in my class, so at first i never really worried abt making friends, coz i thought, nah, i'd easily win friends over in my class. Then, in the meantime, i said something i shouldn't have...and that left sort of like a bitter taste in the mouth, as the possible friendship seem to kinda sour. Of course, i apologized...then that took awhile. Then, i began to realise how i should at least try getting closer to my classmates...so i tried and of course then my classmates were real nice, and i could almost always be with my class mainly at the void deck and even in the canteen at times...u know then i felt really really part of a group of ppl, and although at times i sat with my class not saying a single word...it still felt like a great conversation. In fact, some of my classmates were already very nice to me at this time, like two of my classmates like helped me when my maid came late...one of whom still is my possibly better friends rite now, considering i dont' have many friends rite now, the other in fact is still my classmate now but a drift is apparent.Then, it seemed like the bitter taste went away and there was a replied apology and u still replied me. I thought things could improve from there. So then, for me and my class...this was a great opportunity to improve ties, but then it seemed we began to drift apart, never understand why till this day. Then, tried calling...but only served to be an awkward moment, which didn't help things improve. I still said stuff, and still received replies...stuff like well wishes. I somewhat, seemed to be getting more distant from the class at abt this time as it began to close in on the end of the first three months. But, i must say the first three months class brought me closer to the feeling of friendship then the class now ever makes me feel...although at times i still felt lonely when i tried to make the friendship work with the class, it still was slightly better than my situation now. I know though that i somehow, should have done more to save the situation. Next, i began to say things things without replies...was it that the things i said were too fast or not right in any way or offensive, or never did any friendship ever begin, and the replies were just out of courtesy...but u never replied anymore. Just b4 the first three months ended, it ended on a better note as we could at least have a class outing which i could be a part of, and the last minute show of concern as we prepared to face the Olevel results. This sort of ended the good start.
The next step, then, was for a new class, since many of the people who made me feel so great in 1AA5 left. Some ppl still remained of course. By this time, it seemed like i never knew u and u never knew me as i tried to put it behind me. At first, things were pretty fine, and i must say my relationship with the class was still fine. Then, the class formed groups very different from what it is now. Somehow i was pretty close to the class still...though much less, i still could manage to stay with the class at the void deck sometimes. [Only as the year wore on, and just b4 things were beginning to sour and the loneliness was abt to hit me, someone gave me renewed hope and vigour, she seemed to be sent to help me or something, and not that anyone or the person knows but the person who wishes to touch someone's life, seemed to have done that by befriending me. And, in a similar tutorial class too. This bit actually happened just b4 the end of first three months but only began to really become something after the first three months...during this period..i.e. april, may, june, july. As, the pat on the shoulder, the smiles and the hi's, were like almost always.] Then, the next period of time, i.e. july, august, september, so much happened that i can't rmb, i only know that by abt July, August, september, the class seemed to change, as groups changed...and for some unknown reason again, i drifted apart this proved to be the turning point until todae, that i seem to always complain abt having no friends began at this point. By close to the end of the final term, this marked the time where all my relationships drifted apart...and no more feeling like part of a class, no more of the person, supposed to have befriended me, and my last ever thing i said to the other person i was talking abt, seemed to end that possible friendship. Loneliness had struck so unexpectedly. This is where i cannot understand...how all the friendships in one moment all just disappeared?...was it something i did, was it something anyone(you) said...sounds abit like the avril lavigne song...haha...but precisely thats how it was. The drifting apart was marked by the drifting apart of my closest friendships. At this time, the only chance for friendships came from pw...and of course with like coming over to my house. After most stuff was done for the year, effectively...i was so alone. So that was a long narration on events...of my frienships for the year 2007...and that was how it ended with loneliness...
Now, rite now, todae...so much of my friendships, still remains on the edge. However, i don't want it to end like this...tts why i keep on repeating this stuff....but now i realise how great it was when i had the potential for friendships but due to all this drifting apart, the potential never materialised. Still, i know that it isn't too late to salvage the situation and bring it back to it's former potential, and then maybe i can still make the friendships work out. I miss the times that i sort of had friendships...and i also miss the potential which i wish i had made the most of to maintain my friendships. Rite now, i still believe that my friendships are still there...it's just that i'm pretty distant with the people i know at this point...so why i write abt all this now?...No not because i still am complaining abt having no friends...i just want to have frienships and so much more...because i miss having friends...and like i always i want friends so that i too can touch the lives of others, and fulfill God's purposes for my life...and finally, i don't want to regret, abt all the friendships that still remain as could be's...well, possibilities. Just know that, at the end of all this, my point is that i really want to have friends coz i miss the times, where i had a small taste of what friendships can bring because most of my frienships...never reached its full potential. The funny thing is that as i write this i'm no longer like last time where i was upset abt having no friends...but its a feeling of missing friends kinda thing, its hard to explain.
So, i'm kinda not feeling right abt my life at this point...so bored...suddenly, i seem to have been clouded abt my purpose in life and frienships. I'm just praying that God will clear my confusions at this point and also have me to continue to focus on how i should spend my time and make the friendships work. My post now ends here abruptly but i'm not even sure what the whole point of my post is anymore....but ya...tts that.
Just really miss the friendships...!!!
Comments