Lost About Everything...some "holiday"...

Rite now, i should be talking about how wonderful it is that we've got a 1month break, the June holidaes of course, and how i'm relaxing and enjoying life...this post should be some really interesting, exciting and perhaps far from boring. But, i don't know, my life's pretty much fine, as in, i've got all i need...to get through life at this point, i mean i got everything catered to, a family, a home, meals, stuff to keep me occupied like the computer, television, some music i can listen to, and of course homework to keep up with studies. Furthermore, i'd get about probably two occasions where i'll go out with family during the holidaes, to watch movies i guess and possibly just lunch on other weekends. This weekend, i got some chess tournament, just playing for fun i guess, nothing much actually. And, now, i'm even struggling to finish the holidae homework by this week coz i intend to study for the following weeks, looks like now, i'll need to cut into revision time to finish the holiday homework. Truth is, i should not be studying as hard as i plan to, and furthermore, i'm probably too lazy to adhere to my over ambitious plan. Lastly, spiritually i think i'm fine, i mean i'm still pretty much in touch with God i guess, church, prayer, reading...and doing everything for God within the constraints of home. Clearly, after i've mentioned so much, you must be convinced that i've got none of what i mentioned above about how wonderful my holidae's been. Yea, you're rite, what kind of life is that?...so boring, but of course, with all this i must still say i'll be ungrateful to say my life is bad, my life is just ok, enough to get by, but really that is not doing justice to life, the need to live life to the fullest. However, please pardon me that this post is seriously so lifeless, coz thats really my life at this point again, boring. And, don't get me wrong its not that i'm a boring person, clearly i'm not that type, to be honest, i see myself more of that like cool kid, with many friends, nice family, cool gadgets, lots of the latest most IN stuff, enjoys all sorts of entertainment, involved in community work, sporting, taking part in sports, musically talented, smart, philosophical, passionate about work and yet down to earth and a nice, caring and polite person, a christian. I mean, i not being egotistical, thinking that i'm the perfect person, but thats the person i really aspire to be SORT OF. And, i mean i'm just saying about how much i have a passion to live a life that is so remote from boring, my life really should be the opposite of boring coz thats where my heart lies...where life is so exciting. Trouble is, my holidae is seriously heading in the wrong direction...dead boring. At this point the only absolute about my holidae, is that i'm going to be doing alot studying this holidae. I'm not saying though that i'm hoping for all that, but i'm just hoping to spend my time better. I don't even know why i'm saying all this, it seems like a repeat of all the things i've been disturbed about. I seemed to have lost my way a little bit, i forgotten the things i've learned about life and stuff, and i seem to have lost myself in a mess of so many things happening around me. Its like my path has suddenly become so blurr, and i don't know what i should do anymore. Its like i do actually rmb all the stuff i've learned but its just that i've forgotten how to live in the sense that, suddenly i don't know how to live like i know i can and should in terms of living it more fully. I can't rmb how i should use what i've learned, i forgotten the situations which i need to look at it in a certain way, rite now i'm so lost, i don't know the perspective i would have or should take. I don't even know whats making me ask the same questions, yet it doesn't feel the same. So lost, as to what i'm seeking and what's going on in my life again...one moment, it seemed like, i knew all i needed to know, then, next i realise that maybe i don't...it feels as if i've forgotten the way i should live because suddenly i feel again like my life's missing something, yet i thought i had gotten over that feeling already. I guess it'll help if i do a bit more reflection and had the friendships so missing from my life. I see again u know, everyone else seeming to know how they should spend their holidaes, really living out what i call joyful living, doing God's purpose's for their lives and enjoying their lives, and living much more fully and living their lives to its potential...see, i don't understand why i've taken like 5 steps forward and 5000000 steps back, i thought i gotten over this other ppl life their lives so much more fully business. But, i don't know rite now, i'm just so lost about everything, i don't know what else i need to do in all the different areas of my life, studies wise...not coping with the work well enough, socially...i still have problems with relationships with ppl, still can't be more sociable, forever getting on ppl's nerves, forever not having any time ever spent with any friend i ever had, which btw perhaps could be = 0 , excluding acquaitances and friends on the online world. Ok, wrong, but had what two movies only so far...spiritually, i'm still ok but then, i'm only able to this this much(little) with myself being so uninvolved in things and most of the time stuck at home. These are only a few areas in life...but as u can see, whatever things in life or whatever issues i face, i just dun understand so much and am so lost about everything. I was told that it is good to reflect b4 everydae, and try to think about all the stuff in your life that you feel needs improvement, like how you can improve your studies, how you can be a better person to others and just get more out of life. I really, always think about all these stuff but i'm just so lost as to what i need to do in my life at this point, the holidae, again just worsens this situation coz theres time and a need to do much more with my life. But, generally , i think i know the general direction of my life but its just a bit misty, the road ahead. But, I really don't know what my life needs this holidae...coz it can't just be about studying. One, bigger issue in my life i guess, when i had school, is friends and social life, its now like part of the issue about my life not being lived fully enough, but i guess, coz i was busy with school so the only thing i felt was the loneliness of having few or no friends. Now, that its the holidae, its combination of the pressure to spend my holidae more fruitfully and to really enjoy the holidae and yet be productive which is eluding me at the moment. The fact though that whether its holidae or not that i still feel the problem of lack of a social life tugging at me means it must be one of the important issues hampering me from living life fully. So anw, that was the issue i reflected on recently as u can see from my last few posts. Its not that this is the only issue but in this post i guess i'll just talk about this issue...and how i hope to improve this area of my life, coz thats the only area i know at least some ways i can improve at this point. Well, so i guess, i need to greet ppl more and louder and be more friendly and be more polite and nicer to ppl, smile more, and be more willing to speak up and learn to talk more or just be more likeable i guess, and really show how i feel and how i want to be in the mix more. There's just so much more, that i need to do and to be more involved with friends and not just my own life i guess, in a way i feel also , if i spend more time with friends thru stuff they do, i can be more exposed and have a much more exciting life, coz i can join them and do much more with my life, coz they seem to know what they wanna do with their time to really enjoy this life and pursue their dreams and live for God. So anw, thats my point already, this post has been so messy and uncoherent coz, my life rite now feels as if i'm trapped in a maze...and i don't know how to live my life again, while the holidae is just the thing the makes me need to sort thiss out soon coz i need to make the most of it...so thats the whole situation now.

Anw, but after all i've said really, i know who i need to seek to know the answers and who i need to seek to help to really apply to my life what i need to, to be able to live life the way it should be lived, that is God. I know, that even in the dark, God will guide me and show me the way. Through this confusing and frustrating time in my life, i know no matter how blur my life at this point is, i can trust the Lord to see me through. So, yea so lost at this moment, need to find a way to spend my life better. I'm just trying hard each day to improve myself and trusting in the Lord to help me to find my way again and to be able to live life the way he wants me to and to live life fully.

Thus, i'm just trusting that the Lord will show me the way to go and the way to live...giving me the passion and direction back into my life...yea...