More Than I Can take...

Its been exactly one week since i completed my chinese exams, and yet in this short frame of time i've experienced alot to begin this holidae with...so now the first week of the holidae has come to an end and its been rather eventful, but not in a good way i guess. On Saturday and Sunday, it wasn't so bad coz i escaped from the usual monotony of staying at home to play in a chess tournament, although it didn't feel good doing so badly in the tournament, i think i had some fun lah. Still, throughout the course of this week, i have had alot of troubles at home and stuff. Despite all the troubles this week, towards the end of this week i began to sort of find back some of the joy and passion but then, i had to face more problems which brought me down even further plus the boredom caused me to write a seriously lousy post, i'm referring to the one just b4 this one. Plus to make things worst, ytd i booked movie tickets online, but end up selecting the wrong timing for the movie at 10:20 at nite and so my parents went down to go change the movie timing, thankfully it was smooth but it didn't feel good that i didn't such a lame thing...haha, on hindside i think it was funny lah, that i got so worked up over some lame thing. So, anw today, i went out with my younger bro and my dad, we sort of had brunch at Swensens...it seemed rather strange that we only ate starters at Swensens but oh well. And, i thought i saw someone who looked like from my maths tutorial class...perhaps i saw wrongly, but watever, haha. Then, saw the movie, Indiana Jones btw, been out for for slightly over a week i guess, so caught the movie lah, but i didn't like it actually, the mind control, aliens, ANTS that engulfed a soldier and living dead...not my idea of a good movie, but anw yea. But, i wasn't feeling well after that anw, more tension at home i guess just made the day todae all the more unbearable...but i mean, i'd be sounding like such a killjoy if i didn't say that it was fun lah. However, the thing i don't understand is if its normal for ties at home to be strained time and time again, but i mean everythings actually fine...just tend to always end up with unhappiness between parties but, then it goes away but there really isn't much lah, i don't know lah. One other thing i don't get is that i always seem to not be happy and always have so many problems to talk about, but other people seem to be so happy and problem free, is that because they don't let problem affect them or is life just so good for people. Really, they always say that everyone has they're own share of problems, i wonder about the truth of this coz i seem to be the only one always complaining. I find it really unfair when i think that people are much happier in their lives or living so fully, coz i really wonder why it can't be me coz i seem to have everything but yet have nothing. Anw, this week, i've like wasted alot of time doing only the mcq for the chem holidae hw, and resting i guess, so feel so unproductive and also somehow i'm just not feeling good about anything at the moment. It's like now i don't know what i want, what i'm seeking, i'm just feeling so restless. All the things i would usually enjoy, i don't even enjoy anymore, everything doesn't seem to matter anymore. I'm really confused at the moment, and so many of the struggles in my life have resurfaced and i'm just facing so much trouble, and i'm overwhelmed by life itself...i guess, i'm getting too much absorbed in the world and getting lost in the mess of this world. There's just too much for me to take in, that i've lost focus, and i seem to almost forgotten who i am. Its like everything i know is changing, like i always think quite highly of myself, but now things in my life are making me feel so insignificant and so lousy. I don't know, like i seem to almost be so lost in myself and so in my own world and so socially awkward and so bad at everything. I seem to be failing in many areas in my life, particularly in my relationships, but the thing is that like i find it unfair and insulting that i seem to not know how to be a person(social creature). I'm really not that bad a person seriously, and its just not my forte at handling people, though, i do feel that my concern for people do shine through but i guess i can't even be sure about that, and i'm not really that unfriendly...relationships matter to me so much yet i struggle with that the most, i'm really learning and trying each dae to be a better person, but just something is wrong. Rite now, what i really need is affirmation and assurance that i'm a good person and that people feel that, JUST WISH SOMEONE WOULD TELL ME HOW I REALLY APPEAR, coz maybe i'm not such a good person as i think myself to be. Right now, it seems like i'm in a dilemma in every situation, i don't know if this is rite or that is rite? I just really need to know where i stand and what i need to do. But, rite now anw, i can't seem to even keep good terms between myself and the people around me. And, also, i seem to have the joy missing within me and feel so unpassionate about everything...must be like the weight of all the expectations and just life i guess...coz i seem almost sick of everything already and i don't know what i need to do and what matters to me anymore. Something's wrong with me and all the things in my life seem to fall apart...its like, the thing which i thought made me happy and made me live life to the fullest seem to make me just feel so empty...EMPTY. I realised that maybe God is trying to tell me something, that really it all doesn't matter, that living life fully isn't about what we have but what we do that is for God that really has eternal significance. And, i think there parts of me that need to change if i'm going to be a better and more caring person..perhaps, i'm not being as nice as i actually think i am. And, i'm still not opening myself up enough and being enough of a friend. I think also i need to find a good balance in my life and find back my rhythm and really, realise what it truly means to live life to the fullest, and to really let God take control and be more and more involved in my life and to focus on what truly matters. I should not let the troubles of this world bring me down but that even if all the problems and life is too much to take, that God is with me. I really just need to learn to be more postive again and happy even in all the troubles of life...it seems really like i'm repeating but somehow it still hasn't mainfested in my life. I just gotta live life better, coz it just ain't working at the moment, and change myself, caused i can't change anything but myself if i'm hoping to live better...but most importantly i guess, i need to trust God more and find back joy and passion for life no matter what the situation or how bad everything seems. So yea tts what it is....

Just want to really change and live life better...need to focus on God and not let the things of the world bring me down, and i need to trust God such that even if the troubles are more than i can take, i can still rejoice.

We only live once, so I guess i gotta to really enjoy life and be happy, coz LIFE SHOULD BE WORTH LIVING...i wanna to really live...!!!