Friendship/Fellowship...
During the past week I was thinking more about relationships and social skills. And, when I say relationships I’m talking about friendship and fellowship. I know I’ve definitely improved my social skills coz I’ve learned a lot in the past few years but I know I still got some way to go to truly be able to be socially adept and to really step out of my shell. I’m certainly not like the geek that is socially awkward. But, I do admit that I’m not very sociable just coz I don’t know how to be.
Basically, though, I’m thinking about all this coz I do feel like I don’t know how to make conversation with people very well, I don’t speak up as much coz I’m shy in a way which it is not my true self, in fact contrary to what everyone thinks of me I actually talk a lot and I’m quite a loud person but in a good way I guess. Somehow, when I’m out I just lose that part of me. So I would say I’m a cool guy that’s just struggling to open up. That is like the reason why I don’t have that many friends, coz I just never talk to people enough and mix with people enough. At this point, I have already improved from the situation above, but now that I’m starting school all over again, I don’t want to make the same mistakes, I want to finally be able to be confident and be sociable and be able to talk to people. I want to truly be able to make friends. This is my chance to show who I really am coz I’ll be meeting new people so I don’t want to lose this opportunity.
I realised in my reflection about how in the past I’ve not done very well socially and how I was such a quiet person coz I didn’t know how to talk to people, that I had few friends due to the fact that I didn’t know how to be a friend to others. So I began asking myself about what it means to be a friend and why we even need friends. I wanted to know like why there is this craving in all of us to belong and to have friends. Like why do we feel lonely? I mean I myself felt lonely a lot especially in my JC years and therefore I felt like I wanted friends, but I haven’t actually thought of why. And, how can I make friends if I don’t even know what it is like to be a friend. I felt like as I’ve been thinking about all these and reading up on it, and with all the stuff I’ve experienced over the past few years that I’m feeling a change in me to be more others-centred, to have a new perspective and to be more sociable and open. So in this post, I hope to highlight not just for the blog post but to me all the stuff that I learned about being more sociable in this recent moment in my life where I’ve been trying to make sure that I’m ready to start school but this time with all the social skills with me and the answers to the question that are so very important to know for me in my quest to improve my social skills.
I know very well that even if we are surrounded by many people, even sometimes people we call friends, we can still feel oh so lonely, but it is our relationship with the people around us that is important. Still, I do need to have friends in my life and so I’m learning how to be a friend. It’s funny that in my JC years, a friend of mine did say that to have friends we must first be a friend, I thought I understood that but I questioned how I could be a friend if I don’t have friends which I realised was not true coz being a friend isn’t about having friends. However, now I think I fully understand it, all this while I never really learnt how to be a friend and/or even what it means to be a friend.
In my own knowledge, I believe that friendship is about companionship and sharing life together, of course you have all the other stuff like sticking with each other through good and bad times. But, I would think it is far too narrowed down, you can’t really put a finger to what friendship is coz it is usually based on our own experiences, and I have had few friends therefore the lack of understanding about what friendship is, so I just wish people understand why I’m so inward looking, it’s not that I do so intentionally, but I just haven’t experienced what it really means to be a friend.
You know it’s funny that my chess coach keeps telling me that when I play chess I need to spend more time thinking about what my opponent would move. And, that is what I have realised from my quest to learn about friendship and how to make friends, that friendship is about putting others before ourselves. And, in my endeavours to live life to the fullest, it may have seemed like I was being selfish and thinking about myself, but it’s just that I’m passionate about life and I just want to be able to do much more with my life and in fact, I don’t see that as me being discontent and desiring for more in my life beyond the purpose of our lives which is bringing glory to God. I’m not trying to have everything and I do not desire worldly things like money, fame and success as the world puts it. I’m not trying to satisfy myself or the flesh by having more in my life. I’m grateful for all I have but I just want to make more of my life. And, even if it means helping others, serving or contributing I want to fill my life with more of these things.
Also, I want to have friends so that I can share my life with others by going out and doing stuff together. And, really everyone has all been selfish in our lives at some point, it is human and it’s hard to move from being self-centred to being others-centred, so I guess I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. But, believe me, I’m always trying my best to be others-centred and I’m believe so much in being altruistic, yes at times I fail, still I try to think of others. And, I don’t know but I feel like God is working in my life, previously I been learning about conflict management and now I’m learning more about fellowship and being a friend by thinking of others before myself. And, I realise that friendship is about meeting the needs of others, but somehow I never thought about it that way and I don’t really feel the heart for the needs of others, so I ask God to give me the heart for the needs of others. I care for people but I just never realised that there was so much need in this world that we could meet by being a friend.
So below are all the resources I found useful in understanding what friendship and fellowship is, and why we need friends and a church family.
To start off, here’s a quote I found on the net:
But no one can form a friendship until he/she realizes that the basis of being friends is meeting the needs of the other person. One must be a friend to have one.
This is what forms the basis of what I’ve learned is the key to being a friend and that what I kept n mind as I looked into the resources below...
From the book God’s Answers to Life’s Difficult Questions, in the section about loneliness which was one of the first things I learnt just after graduating about overcoming my lack of friends. But, the two things that I feel are so relevant to my quest here in learning what friendship. One is the part about minimising the hurt of loneliness. It says that we should not exaggerate it or rehearse it. And, that we should not allow loneliness to make us bitter and not allow resentment to build up in our lives. This is because resentment only makes us lonelier and builds a wall around our lives. Also, resentment drives people away coz no one like a cynic, a bitter person who is always complaining. We should strive to be a better person not a bitter person. So the point is that we can’t be a friend if we are resentful. The other thing was to empathise with other people’s needs which I realise is really part of being a friend. And, instead of focussing inward on ourselves we should focus outwardly on other people. Also, instead of looking at ourselves, we should look out to other people and start helping other lonely people. We should serve others just like how Paul in the Bible was lonely but never forget his goal to help other people. We need to stop building walls between us and others and start building bridges. We need to stop complaining but ask God to help us be a friend to someone and build a bridge instead of a wall. For love is the antidote to loneliness. Also, for those who may not have God in their lives, there is a reason that even though you have so many friends but you may still feel lonely, and that is where God can only fill that hole in the heart. And, He is the greatest friend we can ever have, for He is God and knows what is best for you.
Below is some of the stuff from the fellowship part in the Purpose Driven Life. About fellowship it says we were formed for God’s family. God is love and he treasures relationships. Life is all about love. Because God is love the most important lesson he wants us to learn is how to love. The reason that we should love is that life without love is really worthless, love will last forever, and we will be evaluated by our love. And, time is the best expression of love.
Also as Christians we are called to belong not just believe. We are a member of the body of Christ and with our own unique purpose that is vital in its functioning.
Life is meant to be shared. Fellowship is to experience life together.
· Authenticity is experienced in real fellowship. It is a genuine heart to heart sharing. It entails sharing our hurts, feelings, confessing our failures, disclosing our doubts, admitting our fears, acknowledge their weakness and asking for help and prayer.
· Mutuality is experienced in real fellowship. It is the art of giving and receiving. Building reciprocal relationships, sharing responsibilities and helping each other. We are more consistent in our faith when others walk with us and encourage us. It is about accountability, encouragement, serving and honouring mutually.
· Sympathy is experience in real fellowship. It is entering in and sharing the pain of others. Sympathy meets two fundamental human needs, the need to be understood and the need to have our feelings validated.
· Mercy is experienced in real fellowship. We need to offer each other mercy and be willing to receive it coz we can’t have fellowship without forgiveness.
Cultivating community
· Honesty. We have to care enough to lovingly speak the truth even when we rather gloss over a problem or ignore an issue.
· Humility. Pride destroys fellowship by building walls but humility builds bridges. It is thinking more of others and being focussed on serving others.
· Courtesy. It is respecting our differences, being considerate of each other’s feelings and being patient with people who irritate us.
· Confidentiality. A safe environment of warm acceptance and trusted confidentiality to open up and share our hurts, needs and mistakes.
· Frequency. It requires a lot of time to build deep relationships.
Why we need a church family?
· Firstly, it identifies a genuine believer, i.e. our love for one another will prove to the world that you are Jesus’ disciples.
· A church family moves us out of self-centred isolation. We learn how to get along in God’s family. We learn to care about others and share the experiences of others. It is about being committed to each other as we are to Christ. Jesus Christ laid down His life for us and we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.
· Develops spiritual muscle. Full participation in church builds spiritual muscle. We help each other grow by doing our part in the church. We are commanded to love each other, pray for each other, encourage each other, admonish each other, greet each other, serve each other, teach each other, accept each other, honour each other, bear each other’s burdens, forgive each other submit to each other, be devoted to each other and many others. We grow stronger by learning from one another and being accountable to one another.
· The body of Christ needs you. We have a spiritual gift given to us by God to play a role in building up the church.
· You will share in Christ’s mission in the world. God create each of us to join Him in the work he does the good work gotten ready for us to do. We are instruments of Christ for the work of evangelism.
· Keep you from backsliding. A church family helps to keeps us on track with encouragement and spiritual protection.
Below are the resources on the net about what is a friend is and why we need friends.
What is a friend? A single soul, dwelling in two bodies" - Aristotle
True friendship is perhaps the only relation that survives the trials and tribulations of time and remains unconditional. A unique blend of affection, loyalty, love, respect, trust and loads of fun is perhaps what describes the true meaning of friendship. Similar interests, mutual respect and strong attachment with each other are what friends share between each other. These are just the general traits of a friendship.
To experience what is friendship, one must have true friends, who are indeed rare treasure.Friendship is a feeling of comfort and emotional safety with a person. It is when you do not have to weigh your thoughts and measure words, before keeping it forth before your friend. It is when someone knows you better than yourself and assures to be your side in every emotional crisis.
Friendship is much beyond roaming together and sharing good moments, it is when someone comes to rescue you from the worst phase of life. Friendship is eternal. Different people have different definitions of friendship. For some, it is the trust in an individual that he / she won't hurt you. For others, it is unconditional love. There are some who feel that friendship is companionship. People form definitions based on the kind of experiences they have had. This is one relation that has been nurtured since time immemorial. They say a person who has found a faithful friend has found a priceless treasure.
Psychologically speaking, friendship may be defined as 'a dynamic, mutual relationship between two individuals. As children become friends, they negotiate boundaries within which both partners function'. This helps them to function like healthy individuals in life as they learn to draw a line as and when needed in a relation. This greatly helps in the emotional development of an individual. However, any relation needs constant nurturing and development from all the people that are involved in one. Friendship cannot survive if one person makes all the effort to sustain it without any mutual recognition from others.
What is friendship? According to the dictionary a friendship is a cooperative and supportive relationship between two or more people. What does it take to be a good friend and make everlasting friendships? There are many different types of friendships that we will encounter in our lives. There are best friends, acquaintances and people we just consider friends. What truly is a friendship and what does it take to have friends that last a lifetime.
There are many factors in having a friendship, just like in a marriage. Without these factors, the relationship will not work. Friends are mostly connected because they share mutual interests. They want what is best for the other, show sympathy, honesty, don't judge, offer advice, support and listen to the other person. When we share a friendship with someone we are sharing ourselves. We are now opening a part of ourselves that we may only open to our best or closest friends.
Friendships tend to sometimes even be more deep than family. The saying we can choose our friends but we can't choose our family comes to mind quite often. When you make a connection with a person whom we enjoy talking to, confiding in and sharing our most inner thoughts we are deeply united in a way that we may never be with our family. To have a friend we must truly be a friend, what does this mean? Friendships that are selfish are not going to last, no selfish relationships do. In order to be a true friend you must be able to think about someone other than yourself.
What would your life be like without your friends? When thinking back in time to when we were younger what was it like when you had no one to play with? Did you feel left out and feel as if you were missing something? Why were friends important when we were younger? Was it possibly because we wanted to be with people our own age that shared interest in playing what we did? Was this not a connection that we didn't have with other people?
Our childhood friends that we have carried with us for many years share something with us that no one else in our lives will ever share. They share our childhood in a way that no new friendship ever could. This is not to say friends we meet when we are older are not still great friends, but those childhood friends were there and share in memories of growing up and going through all the issues we face in our younger years. Is there nothing more fun than going back in time with an old friend and remembering the things that were done together? This probably was that person who was there when you cried over your first break-up. This is also the person who didn't judge when something was done that shouldn't have been. These are the people who we entrust with secrets and they do keep them.
Those childhood relationships also were filled with sharing much more than feelings and stories. In some cases clothes and personal belongings were also shared. As grown-ups we don't usually go into our friend's closets and borrow clothes from them, yet as teenagers this is something quite common. Sharing personal items are things that we probably only will have done with our childhood friends.
Friendships would not survive without trust. Trust is one of the biggest issues that we are faced with throughout life. True friendships need trust on both sides. We must be able to fully trust this person and they must feel the same way about us. This person will be hearing our deepest feelings, listening to stories and sharing in feelings that we feel we can't tell anyone else. If we do not feel safe about what we are exposing to them we will never be secure.
We share many things throughout our lives with many different people; we have our families, our co-workers, our children and our friends. The key to making all these different types of friendships something treasured is to remember the importance of all the different types we have in our life. There will probably be no one we will be quite as united with and special as our childhood friendships. These are the ones the most history is shared with. Friends can be met at any point in your life and if you are truly a friend to them and reciprocate then they will still help fulfil our happiness. There is nothing better than sharing something happy or sad with someone we trust with all our heart. Friendships and sharing is truly the core to everything in our life and with this will come a unity of souls.
A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself". This quote aptly describes the role that a friend plays in your life. Friends are the ones who are always there for you, whether the times are good or bad. They never leave your side, even in the worst of circumstance. When you are sitting with a friend, you don’t feel the need to say words. He/she understands even you silence. Still, many people fail to recognize the importance of friends in their life. In the following lines, we have explained why friends are important and what role do they play in our life.
Why We Need Friends
Friends are always there for us, to laugh with us in the happy times and to provide us with a shoulder, when we feel like crying. They serve as one of the biggest supports in our life.
Friends are amongst those few people who accept us, rather like us, as we are. They never come into our life, expecting us to change for them. However, they do correct us when we are at fault.
It is said that whether you need to hear the bitter truth about yourself, go to your best friend. He/she will never lie to you, just to please you and win your favours. What he/she says is the truth about you.
You can always count on your friends, whether you need any advice or any help. They will shy away from none. The best part is that a friend’s advice will always be for your betterment, whether it hurts you or pleases you.
After family, friends are the one who care for you. They bring a smile on your face when you are sad and they go out of the way to make things alright for you.
Friends are the ones with whom we can share our darkest secrets, without being worried of them being leaked. They acknowledge our worst ideas and try to fulfil our silliest of wishes.
Friends feel happy at your success and sad at your failure. They share all your feelings and make you feel that there is somebody who still cares for you. When you have friends, you never ever feel lonely.
Friends love you and care for you. They always make you feel special and never expect anything in return, other than your love and friendship. They stay true to you throughout their lives.
That makes many of us wonder about our friends and our relation with them. Do you need friends? If yes, why? Why do you need friends? You have your work, some family members, and entertainment. What else do you need to live comfortably?
Friends- their value
We need friends because we want to share. We need friends because we need somebody who will be there with us when we fall into bad time. We need friends because we want to enjoy being in a group. We hate loneliness and family alone cannot make us feel in a group. For that we need friends. We need friends, because we want to let somebody know about our deepest thoughts, our ideas, and our real emotions. Only a good friend can help us share all these.
Friendship - celebrate it
We take many things for granted in our life. We take air for granted. We take it for granted that the sun will rise again. Similarly we take it for granted that the friendship will never suffer. But that is false. If we don't water the plant of our friendship regularly, our friendship will suffer and we may create distance with our close friends. We need to value them and value their friendship.
And, so these are the different resources that have taught me what it means to be a friend and have fellowship.
But, now to the main question that led me to all these thoughts, that is how to talk people? This is coz I find that most of the time I can’t make connections with people because I just don’t know what to talk about. And, so to understand how to talk to people, I had to ask what it means to be a friend and why we need friends coz really we talk to people so that we can make friends. And, now that I’ve got the definition down and the reason to make friends, I can now move on to what I learnt about talking to others. So the book How to Talk to Anyone was very useful for me. Part Two of the book was what I was interested in, and it goes like this: How to Know What to Say After You Say “Hi”. That’s exactly my problem and I don’t what to say when talking to people beyond the hi’s. There are basically 14 tricks in this section, they are 1. To match the person’s mood with, 2. Speak passionately 3. Have something on you that is interesting so people have something to say 4. Get someone to give you an intro to the person you want to talk to 5. Eavesdrop so you can join a conversation 6. Answer questions with engaging facts and not one word’s 7. Give interesting facts 8. Give an introduction with a conversational hook 9. Listen in for person’s favoured topic 10. Keep the spotlight on the other person 11. Parrot your conversation partner 12. Encore 13. Accentuate the positive 14. Listen to the latest news for conversation topics later on. All these things are really so helpful to me in speaking to other people, but I know in real life it’s hard to apply, and that is where I realise that to have confidence and practise is very important in becoming a good conversationalist. And, I realise coming up with topics to talk about isn’t so hard after all, in conversation it’s about sharing passions, interests, activities and just about life itself. And, it would also be good compliment people too. I believe the problem is just that we need to take on our own to really try to define who we are as a person and how we live our lives, and very often just drift by without knowing these things.
So to end, I’ve learned what it means to be a friend, how to be a friend, why we need friends and how to talk to people. Also, I’ve learnt what it means to have fellowship which helps me to not just understand being part of the church family but also in making friends and loving others. And, I’m feeling ever more confident that in this New Year I’ll be able to make friends...so with that I leave you with a poem.
To my very good friend
You have taken the time to be there when I needed you,
and you have listened to me when my life was changing.
You always cared enough to try to understand my feelings
and help me to understand myself.
More important your consideration and honesty
have shown me that your friendship is true.
Thank you for being such a good friend to me
and for all the joys we have known together.
Laura Medley
Basically, though, I’m thinking about all this coz I do feel like I don’t know how to make conversation with people very well, I don’t speak up as much coz I’m shy in a way which it is not my true self, in fact contrary to what everyone thinks of me I actually talk a lot and I’m quite a loud person but in a good way I guess. Somehow, when I’m out I just lose that part of me. So I would say I’m a cool guy that’s just struggling to open up. That is like the reason why I don’t have that many friends, coz I just never talk to people enough and mix with people enough. At this point, I have already improved from the situation above, but now that I’m starting school all over again, I don’t want to make the same mistakes, I want to finally be able to be confident and be sociable and be able to talk to people. I want to truly be able to make friends. This is my chance to show who I really am coz I’ll be meeting new people so I don’t want to lose this opportunity.
I realised in my reflection about how in the past I’ve not done very well socially and how I was such a quiet person coz I didn’t know how to talk to people, that I had few friends due to the fact that I didn’t know how to be a friend to others. So I began asking myself about what it means to be a friend and why we even need friends. I wanted to know like why there is this craving in all of us to belong and to have friends. Like why do we feel lonely? I mean I myself felt lonely a lot especially in my JC years and therefore I felt like I wanted friends, but I haven’t actually thought of why. And, how can I make friends if I don’t even know what it is like to be a friend. I felt like as I’ve been thinking about all these and reading up on it, and with all the stuff I’ve experienced over the past few years that I’m feeling a change in me to be more others-centred, to have a new perspective and to be more sociable and open. So in this post, I hope to highlight not just for the blog post but to me all the stuff that I learned about being more sociable in this recent moment in my life where I’ve been trying to make sure that I’m ready to start school but this time with all the social skills with me and the answers to the question that are so very important to know for me in my quest to improve my social skills.
I know very well that even if we are surrounded by many people, even sometimes people we call friends, we can still feel oh so lonely, but it is our relationship with the people around us that is important. Still, I do need to have friends in my life and so I’m learning how to be a friend. It’s funny that in my JC years, a friend of mine did say that to have friends we must first be a friend, I thought I understood that but I questioned how I could be a friend if I don’t have friends which I realised was not true coz being a friend isn’t about having friends. However, now I think I fully understand it, all this while I never really learnt how to be a friend and/or even what it means to be a friend.
In my own knowledge, I believe that friendship is about companionship and sharing life together, of course you have all the other stuff like sticking with each other through good and bad times. But, I would think it is far too narrowed down, you can’t really put a finger to what friendship is coz it is usually based on our own experiences, and I have had few friends therefore the lack of understanding about what friendship is, so I just wish people understand why I’m so inward looking, it’s not that I do so intentionally, but I just haven’t experienced what it really means to be a friend.
You know it’s funny that my chess coach keeps telling me that when I play chess I need to spend more time thinking about what my opponent would move. And, that is what I have realised from my quest to learn about friendship and how to make friends, that friendship is about putting others before ourselves. And, in my endeavours to live life to the fullest, it may have seemed like I was being selfish and thinking about myself, but it’s just that I’m passionate about life and I just want to be able to do much more with my life and in fact, I don’t see that as me being discontent and desiring for more in my life beyond the purpose of our lives which is bringing glory to God. I’m not trying to have everything and I do not desire worldly things like money, fame and success as the world puts it. I’m not trying to satisfy myself or the flesh by having more in my life. I’m grateful for all I have but I just want to make more of my life. And, even if it means helping others, serving or contributing I want to fill my life with more of these things.
Also, I want to have friends so that I can share my life with others by going out and doing stuff together. And, really everyone has all been selfish in our lives at some point, it is human and it’s hard to move from being self-centred to being others-centred, so I guess I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. But, believe me, I’m always trying my best to be others-centred and I’m believe so much in being altruistic, yes at times I fail, still I try to think of others. And, I don’t know but I feel like God is working in my life, previously I been learning about conflict management and now I’m learning more about fellowship and being a friend by thinking of others before myself. And, I realise that friendship is about meeting the needs of others, but somehow I never thought about it that way and I don’t really feel the heart for the needs of others, so I ask God to give me the heart for the needs of others. I care for people but I just never realised that there was so much need in this world that we could meet by being a friend.
So below are all the resources I found useful in understanding what friendship and fellowship is, and why we need friends and a church family.
To start off, here’s a quote I found on the net:
But no one can form a friendship until he/she realizes that the basis of being friends is meeting the needs of the other person. One must be a friend to have one.
This is what forms the basis of what I’ve learned is the key to being a friend and that what I kept n mind as I looked into the resources below...
From the book God’s Answers to Life’s Difficult Questions, in the section about loneliness which was one of the first things I learnt just after graduating about overcoming my lack of friends. But, the two things that I feel are so relevant to my quest here in learning what friendship. One is the part about minimising the hurt of loneliness. It says that we should not exaggerate it or rehearse it. And, that we should not allow loneliness to make us bitter and not allow resentment to build up in our lives. This is because resentment only makes us lonelier and builds a wall around our lives. Also, resentment drives people away coz no one like a cynic, a bitter person who is always complaining. We should strive to be a better person not a bitter person. So the point is that we can’t be a friend if we are resentful. The other thing was to empathise with other people’s needs which I realise is really part of being a friend. And, instead of focussing inward on ourselves we should focus outwardly on other people. Also, instead of looking at ourselves, we should look out to other people and start helping other lonely people. We should serve others just like how Paul in the Bible was lonely but never forget his goal to help other people. We need to stop building walls between us and others and start building bridges. We need to stop complaining but ask God to help us be a friend to someone and build a bridge instead of a wall. For love is the antidote to loneliness. Also, for those who may not have God in their lives, there is a reason that even though you have so many friends but you may still feel lonely, and that is where God can only fill that hole in the heart. And, He is the greatest friend we can ever have, for He is God and knows what is best for you.
Below is some of the stuff from the fellowship part in the Purpose Driven Life. About fellowship it says we were formed for God’s family. God is love and he treasures relationships. Life is all about love. Because God is love the most important lesson he wants us to learn is how to love. The reason that we should love is that life without love is really worthless, love will last forever, and we will be evaluated by our love. And, time is the best expression of love.
Also as Christians we are called to belong not just believe. We are a member of the body of Christ and with our own unique purpose that is vital in its functioning.
Life is meant to be shared. Fellowship is to experience life together.
· Authenticity is experienced in real fellowship. It is a genuine heart to heart sharing. It entails sharing our hurts, feelings, confessing our failures, disclosing our doubts, admitting our fears, acknowledge their weakness and asking for help and prayer.
· Mutuality is experienced in real fellowship. It is the art of giving and receiving. Building reciprocal relationships, sharing responsibilities and helping each other. We are more consistent in our faith when others walk with us and encourage us. It is about accountability, encouragement, serving and honouring mutually.
· Sympathy is experience in real fellowship. It is entering in and sharing the pain of others. Sympathy meets two fundamental human needs, the need to be understood and the need to have our feelings validated.
· Mercy is experienced in real fellowship. We need to offer each other mercy and be willing to receive it coz we can’t have fellowship without forgiveness.
Cultivating community
· Honesty. We have to care enough to lovingly speak the truth even when we rather gloss over a problem or ignore an issue.
· Humility. Pride destroys fellowship by building walls but humility builds bridges. It is thinking more of others and being focussed on serving others.
· Courtesy. It is respecting our differences, being considerate of each other’s feelings and being patient with people who irritate us.
· Confidentiality. A safe environment of warm acceptance and trusted confidentiality to open up and share our hurts, needs and mistakes.
· Frequency. It requires a lot of time to build deep relationships.
Why we need a church family?
· Firstly, it identifies a genuine believer, i.e. our love for one another will prove to the world that you are Jesus’ disciples.
· A church family moves us out of self-centred isolation. We learn how to get along in God’s family. We learn to care about others and share the experiences of others. It is about being committed to each other as we are to Christ. Jesus Christ laid down His life for us and we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.
· Develops spiritual muscle. Full participation in church builds spiritual muscle. We help each other grow by doing our part in the church. We are commanded to love each other, pray for each other, encourage each other, admonish each other, greet each other, serve each other, teach each other, accept each other, honour each other, bear each other’s burdens, forgive each other submit to each other, be devoted to each other and many others. We grow stronger by learning from one another and being accountable to one another.
· The body of Christ needs you. We have a spiritual gift given to us by God to play a role in building up the church.
· You will share in Christ’s mission in the world. God create each of us to join Him in the work he does the good work gotten ready for us to do. We are instruments of Christ for the work of evangelism.
· Keep you from backsliding. A church family helps to keeps us on track with encouragement and spiritual protection.
Below are the resources on the net about what is a friend is and why we need friends.
What is a friend? A single soul, dwelling in two bodies" - Aristotle
True friendship is perhaps the only relation that survives the trials and tribulations of time and remains unconditional. A unique blend of affection, loyalty, love, respect, trust and loads of fun is perhaps what describes the true meaning of friendship. Similar interests, mutual respect and strong attachment with each other are what friends share between each other. These are just the general traits of a friendship.
To experience what is friendship, one must have true friends, who are indeed rare treasure.Friendship is a feeling of comfort and emotional safety with a person. It is when you do not have to weigh your thoughts and measure words, before keeping it forth before your friend. It is when someone knows you better than yourself and assures to be your side in every emotional crisis.
Friendship is much beyond roaming together and sharing good moments, it is when someone comes to rescue you from the worst phase of life. Friendship is eternal. Different people have different definitions of friendship. For some, it is the trust in an individual that he / she won't hurt you. For others, it is unconditional love. There are some who feel that friendship is companionship. People form definitions based on the kind of experiences they have had. This is one relation that has been nurtured since time immemorial. They say a person who has found a faithful friend has found a priceless treasure.
Psychologically speaking, friendship may be defined as 'a dynamic, mutual relationship between two individuals. As children become friends, they negotiate boundaries within which both partners function'. This helps them to function like healthy individuals in life as they learn to draw a line as and when needed in a relation. This greatly helps in the emotional development of an individual. However, any relation needs constant nurturing and development from all the people that are involved in one. Friendship cannot survive if one person makes all the effort to sustain it without any mutual recognition from others.
What is friendship? According to the dictionary a friendship is a cooperative and supportive relationship between two or more people. What does it take to be a good friend and make everlasting friendships? There are many different types of friendships that we will encounter in our lives. There are best friends, acquaintances and people we just consider friends. What truly is a friendship and what does it take to have friends that last a lifetime.
There are many factors in having a friendship, just like in a marriage. Without these factors, the relationship will not work. Friends are mostly connected because they share mutual interests. They want what is best for the other, show sympathy, honesty, don't judge, offer advice, support and listen to the other person. When we share a friendship with someone we are sharing ourselves. We are now opening a part of ourselves that we may only open to our best or closest friends.
Friendships tend to sometimes even be more deep than family. The saying we can choose our friends but we can't choose our family comes to mind quite often. When you make a connection with a person whom we enjoy talking to, confiding in and sharing our most inner thoughts we are deeply united in a way that we may never be with our family. To have a friend we must truly be a friend, what does this mean? Friendships that are selfish are not going to last, no selfish relationships do. In order to be a true friend you must be able to think about someone other than yourself.
What would your life be like without your friends? When thinking back in time to when we were younger what was it like when you had no one to play with? Did you feel left out and feel as if you were missing something? Why were friends important when we were younger? Was it possibly because we wanted to be with people our own age that shared interest in playing what we did? Was this not a connection that we didn't have with other people?
Our childhood friends that we have carried with us for many years share something with us that no one else in our lives will ever share. They share our childhood in a way that no new friendship ever could. This is not to say friends we meet when we are older are not still great friends, but those childhood friends were there and share in memories of growing up and going through all the issues we face in our younger years. Is there nothing more fun than going back in time with an old friend and remembering the things that were done together? This probably was that person who was there when you cried over your first break-up. This is also the person who didn't judge when something was done that shouldn't have been. These are the people who we entrust with secrets and they do keep them.
Those childhood relationships also were filled with sharing much more than feelings and stories. In some cases clothes and personal belongings were also shared. As grown-ups we don't usually go into our friend's closets and borrow clothes from them, yet as teenagers this is something quite common. Sharing personal items are things that we probably only will have done with our childhood friends.
Friendships would not survive without trust. Trust is one of the biggest issues that we are faced with throughout life. True friendships need trust on both sides. We must be able to fully trust this person and they must feel the same way about us. This person will be hearing our deepest feelings, listening to stories and sharing in feelings that we feel we can't tell anyone else. If we do not feel safe about what we are exposing to them we will never be secure.
We share many things throughout our lives with many different people; we have our families, our co-workers, our children and our friends. The key to making all these different types of friendships something treasured is to remember the importance of all the different types we have in our life. There will probably be no one we will be quite as united with and special as our childhood friendships. These are the ones the most history is shared with. Friends can be met at any point in your life and if you are truly a friend to them and reciprocate then they will still help fulfil our happiness. There is nothing better than sharing something happy or sad with someone we trust with all our heart. Friendships and sharing is truly the core to everything in our life and with this will come a unity of souls.
A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself". This quote aptly describes the role that a friend plays in your life. Friends are the ones who are always there for you, whether the times are good or bad. They never leave your side, even in the worst of circumstance. When you are sitting with a friend, you don’t feel the need to say words. He/she understands even you silence. Still, many people fail to recognize the importance of friends in their life. In the following lines, we have explained why friends are important and what role do they play in our life.
Why We Need Friends
Friends are always there for us, to laugh with us in the happy times and to provide us with a shoulder, when we feel like crying. They serve as one of the biggest supports in our life.
Friends are amongst those few people who accept us, rather like us, as we are. They never come into our life, expecting us to change for them. However, they do correct us when we are at fault.
It is said that whether you need to hear the bitter truth about yourself, go to your best friend. He/she will never lie to you, just to please you and win your favours. What he/she says is the truth about you.
You can always count on your friends, whether you need any advice or any help. They will shy away from none. The best part is that a friend’s advice will always be for your betterment, whether it hurts you or pleases you.
After family, friends are the one who care for you. They bring a smile on your face when you are sad and they go out of the way to make things alright for you.
Friends are the ones with whom we can share our darkest secrets, without being worried of them being leaked. They acknowledge our worst ideas and try to fulfil our silliest of wishes.
Friends feel happy at your success and sad at your failure. They share all your feelings and make you feel that there is somebody who still cares for you. When you have friends, you never ever feel lonely.
Friends love you and care for you. They always make you feel special and never expect anything in return, other than your love and friendship. They stay true to you throughout their lives.
That makes many of us wonder about our friends and our relation with them. Do you need friends? If yes, why? Why do you need friends? You have your work, some family members, and entertainment. What else do you need to live comfortably?
Friends- their value
We need friends because we want to share. We need friends because we need somebody who will be there with us when we fall into bad time. We need friends because we want to enjoy being in a group. We hate loneliness and family alone cannot make us feel in a group. For that we need friends. We need friends, because we want to let somebody know about our deepest thoughts, our ideas, and our real emotions. Only a good friend can help us share all these.
Friendship - celebrate it
We take many things for granted in our life. We take air for granted. We take it for granted that the sun will rise again. Similarly we take it for granted that the friendship will never suffer. But that is false. If we don't water the plant of our friendship regularly, our friendship will suffer and we may create distance with our close friends. We need to value them and value their friendship.
And, so these are the different resources that have taught me what it means to be a friend and have fellowship.
But, now to the main question that led me to all these thoughts, that is how to talk people? This is coz I find that most of the time I can’t make connections with people because I just don’t know what to talk about. And, so to understand how to talk to people, I had to ask what it means to be a friend and why we need friends coz really we talk to people so that we can make friends. And, now that I’ve got the definition down and the reason to make friends, I can now move on to what I learnt about talking to others. So the book How to Talk to Anyone was very useful for me. Part Two of the book was what I was interested in, and it goes like this: How to Know What to Say After You Say “Hi”. That’s exactly my problem and I don’t what to say when talking to people beyond the hi’s. There are basically 14 tricks in this section, they are 1. To match the person’s mood with, 2. Speak passionately 3. Have something on you that is interesting so people have something to say 4. Get someone to give you an intro to the person you want to talk to 5. Eavesdrop so you can join a conversation 6. Answer questions with engaging facts and not one word’s 7. Give interesting facts 8. Give an introduction with a conversational hook 9. Listen in for person’s favoured topic 10. Keep the spotlight on the other person 11. Parrot your conversation partner 12. Encore 13. Accentuate the positive 14. Listen to the latest news for conversation topics later on. All these things are really so helpful to me in speaking to other people, but I know in real life it’s hard to apply, and that is where I realise that to have confidence and practise is very important in becoming a good conversationalist. And, I realise coming up with topics to talk about isn’t so hard after all, in conversation it’s about sharing passions, interests, activities and just about life itself. And, it would also be good compliment people too. I believe the problem is just that we need to take on our own to really try to define who we are as a person and how we live our lives, and very often just drift by without knowing these things.
So to end, I’ve learned what it means to be a friend, how to be a friend, why we need friends and how to talk to people. Also, I’ve learnt what it means to have fellowship which helps me to not just understand being part of the church family but also in making friends and loving others. And, I’m feeling ever more confident that in this New Year I’ll be able to make friends...so with that I leave you with a poem.
To my very good friend
You have taken the time to be there when I needed you,
and you have listened to me when my life was changing.
You always cared enough to try to understand my feelings
and help me to understand myself.
More important your consideration and honesty
have shown me that your friendship is true.
Thank you for being such a good friend to me
and for all the joys we have known together.
Laura Medley
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