Freedom + Belonging

As much as I wish it were true that I have the freedom to be who I want to be, the reality is that my dependence on my parents and others does hold me back from being totally myself. It is not that I blame them, they are doing their best to provide for me and support me in what I choose to do, but it comes with the territory because living with your parents and relying on other people to meet your basic needs means that they have a lot of say in how you live your life and they see everything you do. So, for instance if I were to make certain choices which differ from their views, it would be hard to live that way right under their noses and besides they would feel "complicit" in my actions since they have to facilitate me in what I want. As for my condition per se, you might be surprised, but I don't feel it hinders me as much as the fact that my condition means I'm dependent on and staying with my parents. I mean I can probably struggle but manage to scrape by with some kind of a job and my parents can maybe afford to put in my own place with a carer but I'm not sure how ideal that would be and its kind of unfair and a tad selfish. The thing is that my parents don't expect me to work to support myself but it also means I'm under their control as much as they may try to give me autonomy, I guess parents will always protect their children that way. Also, I guess I would feel bad to spend their money. You might wonder why there would an issue with my choices since we share I would like to think the same right christian values but its not that I want to do something contrary to these values, it's just that there may be certain lifestyle choices that I want to make that they disapprove of. Like, dating, who I mix with, where I go, what I wear, how I look, what I buy, how I arrange the house, even the church I choose to attend.

And, as much as I've grown, matured, become less socially awkward and even though I have found a few friends who I can sometimes hang out with albeit based upon being ex-colleagues, I still haven't found myself truly feeling like I belong anywhere. In school, work, interest groups and church, people usually form cliques, but honestly and not to for the sake of sounding pitiful, I have never been in one. I have always been isolated or alienated. I've always been that kid who's chosen last or can't find a group. I have made a lot of progress but it still eludes me. It is a mystery to me because while its fair to say that my condition of disability makes people afraid to get to know me deep enough, it hasn't stopped many with disabilities from belonging to groups of friends, so I question if the problem lies with my attitude, social skills or personality which again would be unfairly critical of myself. I also don't blame people for not including me, coz I don't believe they go out of their way to ostracize me. I can't blame my environment or my parents being over protective too coz I have control of my actions to some extent. I really don't know why its like that, if someone knows what's wrong I wish they would tell me now. But, by some miracle I have two or three people I can enjoy a meal together, hangout or watch a movie. This however is still considered a very casual friendship kind of situation. Hopefully someday I'll figure it out...but, I must add that of all the places, the church should all the more be inclusive and no one should be left out, since Jesus reached out to the outcast of society. This is not a criticism of the church, I think it is society's tendency and human nature to form cliques and there has been a lack of awareness in the past of certain groups of people, like the disabled, but I think that is something we need to be wary of I guess.

I guess after all is said and done, due to some events in my life recently, I'm just beginning to feel like I've not made as much progress in my life as I thought I have. I'm questioning if I'm really making choices in my life that are truly mine and if I should give in to the pressure to find a job and be stressed or enjoy my short life with the support of my parents but feel constrained. Maybe there's a way to have my cake and eat it, to have a decent job that is in line with my passion, but caters to my disability and not stress me out, and to live independently but with the support of my parents. Finally, I'm still trying figure out how to expand my social circle and give myself a shot at finding love. 

Perhaps if I find a way to have greater freedom and independence, I can find belonging...