Rediscovering Who I Am...
Alright, so last week was kind of a week of reflection and rest, I took a break from trying to find things to go out and do everyday, like I’ve been out visiting parks way too much already and I had to take a break, just to figure out again what really I want to do with my life for the rest of this year. And, strangely after the week before was getting me confused about my vision for my life, last week, was about rediscovering who I really am and just finding back parts of who I am that I seem to have somehow lost track of in this very new and different life I’ve been living for the past year. It was great to be able to sort of trying to find back some of the amazing things about my life before this year, but more than that in looking at my life, there’s so much more I want to do with my life and fill my life with, to continue to improve my life. So yea…
For most of last week, I was at home doing the normal stuff I usually do, but did go out once last week to Vivocity and the SKS Bookstore. SKS Bookstore of course is where you can get a lot of Christian resources, Bibles, books, programmes and music. Went there to get a Bible my mum wanted to give to someone. It was great going there coz like when we went in they playing in the background some of the hillsong songs we sang so much of back in school during chapel and stuff, and just being surrounded by so many books, really brought me back to when I was listening and worshipping a lot more with singing and learning through reading books a lot, which was when I was spiritually at my peak. So that was Wednesday that I went out, and after that in the next few days, having made up my mind to finally complete all the necessary installations to my desktop computer to restore my computer to the way it was before, I did so and decided to go back to using my desktop which crashed quite a number of months ago, coz since it crashed I had been using my laptop all the time.
And, it felt great almost like old times where I used my computer, where I listened to music, especially my worship songs, while doing my usual social networking stuff. And yea, the only foreign thing to me though was the new version of windows live that I installed, which led to me finding the button to transfer all my friends on facebook onto my msn contact list. Haha, the funny thing was though, I had to start answering people’s queries about who I am. It is even so coincidental that while here I’m talking about people asking me who I am, my main thoughts about last week which I’m sharing here in my blog post is about rediscovering who I am. It’s not even like I planned it. But, oh well…And, anyway, it was fun going out to Vivo on the way there where I had lunch, and bought some music CDs. Just like being outside somewhere was good coz I really haven’t been to a shopping mall in quite a long while already, been staying too long on the sidelines. And, it gave me some ideas about stuff that would be nice and stuff I like.
The thing about last week was that from the beginning of last week to slightly over the middle part of last week, I felt like I became numb and like I lost my ability to feel. Where were my emotions? I didn’t feel like I could have passion or love in my heart for that moment. I guess I just lost track of my feelings and who I am. I just felt like apart from myself and I didn’t even know what I wanted even anymore. It was probably all these usual routines and doing all these stuff, either like the week earlier going out to parks or just staying at home. I guess it was a combination of all the things my life is at this point, with nothing much on and being alone a lot had left me depressed, not that I was upset by anything but I just think it was something to do with the chemicals in my brain. It really isn’t anything, but there has been issue in my life this year I’ve been having that has stressed me out all year with mood swings, NO NOT BIPOLAR, haha. Just some personal issue, not a health concern. So I woke up to the same issue again last week and it probably made me moody and not the way I normally am, and all my feelings seemed to fade away. However, just like wondering and waiting just focusing and doing my stuff, like the lyrics of this song, for when my feelings will come to me
I’m sorry it’s taking me so long to find out what I’m feeling, I wonder if it will come to me… (Feelings Show by Colbie Caillat).
I tried to find back my feelings to know what my passions are and who the people I care about the most are. And, it finally came back to me by the end of last week and into this week I’m feeling great again. I guess feelings are just subjective, fickle and sway with the wind and they come and go, but we should focus on what is true. But, I must say it wasn’t fun being without feeling in my heart it felt like the lyrics of this song by Marie Digby:
Feel
Feels like I spent all this time talking to walls
Feels like I gotta let go of the way it was before
Are your really there? Are you made of stone?
Am I talking to someone or am I here all alone
[Chorus]
Are you alive, don't you feel, feel, feel?
Show me you're here, show me your tears
Don't you feel, feel, feel, feel?
Show me, hold me, speak up and tell me something
Change my mind before it's too late
Are you alive, show me you're human
Can't you feel, feel, feel, feel?
Seems like you're stuck in a daze, slipping away, away
I'm sick of trying to reach you, can't you say what's on your mind
Baby we're losing the race to far behind, behind
Tell me that I'm not the only one who can try, who can fight the wall
[Chorus]
Sometimes the words they don't get through
What really speaks is what you do
Open up, let me inside, just wanna find you
Whoa, wake up, are you dead?
[Chorus]
At the end of the week when I felt better again, it was about the time when I felt everything was back to the way it was before and things were back to normal, like I felt I found myself, the kind of person I am now with all the positive things from the past, coz they were revived by things I realized last week. But, one I realized more frighteningly and sorely lacking in my life is friends. I realize that while others have many pictures with friends but I’m all alone and without such pictures. However, I know I’m not alone coz I’ve got my family and God. And, I know as I strive to continue to improve I’ll be able to establish friendships in the future.
This brings me to my next point and that is that I was watched the quite old show called the Sisterhood of Travelling Pants, and the words of the character Lena the quiet girl struck me. I mean in some ways I identify with her in that I’m quiet and always keeping to myself but so desperately want to open up to love, not really romantically as in this sense but always as friends, platonic I guess. It is tragic that her other friends who have had lost people in their lives weren’t afraid to open up to love and be loved, but she who had everything was afraid to open up, which I feel the same way.
So it touched me and made me see how I really should open myself up more. And, the best part was when the guy told Lena that she may not open herself up to others but that He sees through her, and when she replied with the act that being with Him, she felt like she knew who she was, which answered her question of who I am? It so amazing how soul mates and people who are meant to be together don’t have to make any effort to open up, but they just have to be who they are, and they will get or understand each other. And, I feel like there is someone, who makes me feel that way.
Anyway then, on Saturday, I had no chess training, so I stay home all day not doing anything really. But, I just remember talking that night about not giving up in always teaching and guiding as parents to children, and how sometimes I feel like parents think their kids push them away because they really don’t want to have to have them around but the fact is that actually crave the opposite. And, also about being perfect the way we are because not matter who we are with our flaws and all God still loves us. And, I talked about trusting the Lord and having joy and peace in Christ, despite all our circumstances.
This I didn’t realize would end up being some of the things mentioned in the message at church, which called Jesus, our GPS in troubled times, it was abit more like a sharing than a sermon but some things mentioned really resonated with my own beliefs and thoughts. The message was taken from
Matthew 11:28-29 (New International Version)
28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
Ok, to be honest, I can’t remember all the things about the message that I felt resonated with my heart, but I’ll try my best to recall. The first thing was about change, that life is about change, and how God can teach us and lead us, but also comfort us. This I feel really strongly about that in all things good or bad, i.e. a change, God has a good purpose out of it all. And, we are lead by God in times of change and uncertainty, in that we trust God through these times and let Him direct our paths. As for comfort in such times, God is the only one who can truly give us rest, because He is always there for us and He is willing to not necessarily take away the burdens in life but to place His hand under ours and take the weight of all our burdens.
And, the message moved on to take a more mission direction, but it is because of the speaker’s context that mission was liken to life’s journey, as she spends a lot of daily life doing missions.
So yea, in life as in doing missions, we are not alone on this journey no matter how tough things get at times. And, despite our all our flaws and imperfections, we can be yoked with Christ to share the burden of sharing God’s word to unbelievers and in our daily lives. Coz, we are perfect in our usual way as God loves us the way we are. And, God blesses us in living out the life and mission He had envisioned for our lives here on Earth, and gives us joy and peace in Him through doing His work. So we should come to Christ and let Him give our souls rest, in the knowledge that God is with us in our lives as we live out the great commission and the greatest commandment that the Lord has given to us to share the gospel and to love God with all our hearts and to love others.
So it was basically, the things about finding and rest and joy in Christ no matter how tough life gets and the fact that God accepts us the way we are that struck a chord with me. But, as for the part about mission, it did make me realize that I haven’t been as passionate about sharing the gospel as I used to and it really wake up me up from my apathy to try to regain that passion for the great commission by reminding myself at the state of Mankind and the love God showed us and the love we are to have for all those around us. And, of course, the fact that it is a command by God for us. I know I have been sharing with someone before, but halfway through I didn’t follow up anymore, because I felt I had done all I could already, so maybe I need to try harder and let God use whatever small effort to do His work through me.
So those were the stuff that spoke to me last week…and you might wonder what it has got to do with rediscovering myself and who I am, so I shall piece it all together in these concluding words. Basically, I felt a part of me was slipping away with all my feelings faded, it was like I was losing myself. So last week was about finding that back and with all the things that happened to me last week I felt I did rediscover myself.
It was the trip to the shopping mall that reminded me of things I like, the trip to the Christian Bookstore that rekindled my passion for God’s word and worshipping Him through songs, hillsongs, and how I went back to old times using my desktop computer to play worships songs and go online. And, about finding back my feelings and emotions, love and friendship.
Finally, then, the message on Sunday, reminded me of a lot of the beliefs my life stands for about joy in all circumstances in Christ and being made perfect in our weaknesses in Christ. So that’s how I rediscovered myself, the me combining all the good old stuff with the new and improved stuff. And, really I truly find who I am only in Christ for God created us for His glory as our purpose here on Earth, and in Christ you ask who I am? I say I am His…
So we are all perfect the way we are as says in an excerpt from this song:
Believe in Me – Demi Lovato
I'm losing myself
Trying to compete
With everyone else
Instead of just being me
I don't know where to turn
I've been stuck in this routine
I need to change my ways
Instead of always being weak
[Chorus]
I don't wanna be afraid
I wanna wake up feeling beautiful
Today
And know that I'm okay
Cause everyone's perfect in unusual way
You seeI just wanna believe in me
La la la la, la la la la
The mirror can lie
Doesn't show you what's inside
And it, it can tell you your full of life
It's amazing what you can hide
Just by putting on a smile
[Chorus]
For most of last week, I was at home doing the normal stuff I usually do, but did go out once last week to Vivocity and the SKS Bookstore. SKS Bookstore of course is where you can get a lot of Christian resources, Bibles, books, programmes and music. Went there to get a Bible my mum wanted to give to someone. It was great going there coz like when we went in they playing in the background some of the hillsong songs we sang so much of back in school during chapel and stuff, and just being surrounded by so many books, really brought me back to when I was listening and worshipping a lot more with singing and learning through reading books a lot, which was when I was spiritually at my peak. So that was Wednesday that I went out, and after that in the next few days, having made up my mind to finally complete all the necessary installations to my desktop computer to restore my computer to the way it was before, I did so and decided to go back to using my desktop which crashed quite a number of months ago, coz since it crashed I had been using my laptop all the time.
And, it felt great almost like old times where I used my computer, where I listened to music, especially my worship songs, while doing my usual social networking stuff. And yea, the only foreign thing to me though was the new version of windows live that I installed, which led to me finding the button to transfer all my friends on facebook onto my msn contact list. Haha, the funny thing was though, I had to start answering people’s queries about who I am. It is even so coincidental that while here I’m talking about people asking me who I am, my main thoughts about last week which I’m sharing here in my blog post is about rediscovering who I am. It’s not even like I planned it. But, oh well…And, anyway, it was fun going out to Vivo on the way there where I had lunch, and bought some music CDs. Just like being outside somewhere was good coz I really haven’t been to a shopping mall in quite a long while already, been staying too long on the sidelines. And, it gave me some ideas about stuff that would be nice and stuff I like.
The thing about last week was that from the beginning of last week to slightly over the middle part of last week, I felt like I became numb and like I lost my ability to feel. Where were my emotions? I didn’t feel like I could have passion or love in my heart for that moment. I guess I just lost track of my feelings and who I am. I just felt like apart from myself and I didn’t even know what I wanted even anymore. It was probably all these usual routines and doing all these stuff, either like the week earlier going out to parks or just staying at home. I guess it was a combination of all the things my life is at this point, with nothing much on and being alone a lot had left me depressed, not that I was upset by anything but I just think it was something to do with the chemicals in my brain. It really isn’t anything, but there has been issue in my life this year I’ve been having that has stressed me out all year with mood swings, NO NOT BIPOLAR, haha. Just some personal issue, not a health concern. So I woke up to the same issue again last week and it probably made me moody and not the way I normally am, and all my feelings seemed to fade away. However, just like wondering and waiting just focusing and doing my stuff, like the lyrics of this song, for when my feelings will come to me
I’m sorry it’s taking me so long to find out what I’m feeling, I wonder if it will come to me… (Feelings Show by Colbie Caillat).
I tried to find back my feelings to know what my passions are and who the people I care about the most are. And, it finally came back to me by the end of last week and into this week I’m feeling great again. I guess feelings are just subjective, fickle and sway with the wind and they come and go, but we should focus on what is true. But, I must say it wasn’t fun being without feeling in my heart it felt like the lyrics of this song by Marie Digby:
Feel
Feels like I spent all this time talking to walls
Feels like I gotta let go of the way it was before
Are your really there? Are you made of stone?
Am I talking to someone or am I here all alone
[Chorus]
Are you alive, don't you feel, feel, feel?
Show me you're here, show me your tears
Don't you feel, feel, feel, feel?
Show me, hold me, speak up and tell me something
Change my mind before it's too late
Are you alive, show me you're human
Can't you feel, feel, feel, feel?
Seems like you're stuck in a daze, slipping away, away
I'm sick of trying to reach you, can't you say what's on your mind
Baby we're losing the race to far behind, behind
Tell me that I'm not the only one who can try, who can fight the wall
[Chorus]
Sometimes the words they don't get through
What really speaks is what you do
Open up, let me inside, just wanna find you
Whoa, wake up, are you dead?
[Chorus]
At the end of the week when I felt better again, it was about the time when I felt everything was back to the way it was before and things were back to normal, like I felt I found myself, the kind of person I am now with all the positive things from the past, coz they were revived by things I realized last week. But, one I realized more frighteningly and sorely lacking in my life is friends. I realize that while others have many pictures with friends but I’m all alone and without such pictures. However, I know I’m not alone coz I’ve got my family and God. And, I know as I strive to continue to improve I’ll be able to establish friendships in the future.
This brings me to my next point and that is that I was watched the quite old show called the Sisterhood of Travelling Pants, and the words of the character Lena the quiet girl struck me. I mean in some ways I identify with her in that I’m quiet and always keeping to myself but so desperately want to open up to love, not really romantically as in this sense but always as friends, platonic I guess. It is tragic that her other friends who have had lost people in their lives weren’t afraid to open up to love and be loved, but she who had everything was afraid to open up, which I feel the same way.
So it touched me and made me see how I really should open myself up more. And, the best part was when the guy told Lena that she may not open herself up to others but that He sees through her, and when she replied with the act that being with Him, she felt like she knew who she was, which answered her question of who I am? It so amazing how soul mates and people who are meant to be together don’t have to make any effort to open up, but they just have to be who they are, and they will get or understand each other. And, I feel like there is someone, who makes me feel that way.
Anyway then, on Saturday, I had no chess training, so I stay home all day not doing anything really. But, I just remember talking that night about not giving up in always teaching and guiding as parents to children, and how sometimes I feel like parents think their kids push them away because they really don’t want to have to have them around but the fact is that actually crave the opposite. And, also about being perfect the way we are because not matter who we are with our flaws and all God still loves us. And, I talked about trusting the Lord and having joy and peace in Christ, despite all our circumstances.
This I didn’t realize would end up being some of the things mentioned in the message at church, which called Jesus, our GPS in troubled times, it was abit more like a sharing than a sermon but some things mentioned really resonated with my own beliefs and thoughts. The message was taken from
Matthew 11:28-29 (New International Version)
28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
Ok, to be honest, I can’t remember all the things about the message that I felt resonated with my heart, but I’ll try my best to recall. The first thing was about change, that life is about change, and how God can teach us and lead us, but also comfort us. This I feel really strongly about that in all things good or bad, i.e. a change, God has a good purpose out of it all. And, we are lead by God in times of change and uncertainty, in that we trust God through these times and let Him direct our paths. As for comfort in such times, God is the only one who can truly give us rest, because He is always there for us and He is willing to not necessarily take away the burdens in life but to place His hand under ours and take the weight of all our burdens.
And, the message moved on to take a more mission direction, but it is because of the speaker’s context that mission was liken to life’s journey, as she spends a lot of daily life doing missions.
So yea, in life as in doing missions, we are not alone on this journey no matter how tough things get at times. And, despite our all our flaws and imperfections, we can be yoked with Christ to share the burden of sharing God’s word to unbelievers and in our daily lives. Coz, we are perfect in our usual way as God loves us the way we are. And, God blesses us in living out the life and mission He had envisioned for our lives here on Earth, and gives us joy and peace in Him through doing His work. So we should come to Christ and let Him give our souls rest, in the knowledge that God is with us in our lives as we live out the great commission and the greatest commandment that the Lord has given to us to share the gospel and to love God with all our hearts and to love others.
So it was basically, the things about finding and rest and joy in Christ no matter how tough life gets and the fact that God accepts us the way we are that struck a chord with me. But, as for the part about mission, it did make me realize that I haven’t been as passionate about sharing the gospel as I used to and it really wake up me up from my apathy to try to regain that passion for the great commission by reminding myself at the state of Mankind and the love God showed us and the love we are to have for all those around us. And, of course, the fact that it is a command by God for us. I know I have been sharing with someone before, but halfway through I didn’t follow up anymore, because I felt I had done all I could already, so maybe I need to try harder and let God use whatever small effort to do His work through me.
So those were the stuff that spoke to me last week…and you might wonder what it has got to do with rediscovering myself and who I am, so I shall piece it all together in these concluding words. Basically, I felt a part of me was slipping away with all my feelings faded, it was like I was losing myself. So last week was about finding that back and with all the things that happened to me last week I felt I did rediscover myself.
It was the trip to the shopping mall that reminded me of things I like, the trip to the Christian Bookstore that rekindled my passion for God’s word and worshipping Him through songs, hillsongs, and how I went back to old times using my desktop computer to play worships songs and go online. And, about finding back my feelings and emotions, love and friendship.
Finally, then, the message on Sunday, reminded me of a lot of the beliefs my life stands for about joy in all circumstances in Christ and being made perfect in our weaknesses in Christ. So that’s how I rediscovered myself, the me combining all the good old stuff with the new and improved stuff. And, really I truly find who I am only in Christ for God created us for His glory as our purpose here on Earth, and in Christ you ask who I am? I say I am His…
So we are all perfect the way we are as says in an excerpt from this song:
Believe in Me – Demi Lovato
I'm losing myself
Trying to compete
With everyone else
Instead of just being me
I don't know where to turn
I've been stuck in this routine
I need to change my ways
Instead of always being weak
[Chorus]
I don't wanna be afraid
I wanna wake up feeling beautiful
Today
And know that I'm okay
Cause everyone's perfect in unusual way
You seeI just wanna believe in me
La la la la, la la la la
The mirror can lie
Doesn't show you what's inside
And it, it can tell you your full of life
It's amazing what you can hide
Just by putting on a smile
[Chorus]
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