The Holiday
Well, it’s been slightly more than one week into the holidays and for the most part I’ve had a torrid time yet in that same week or so I’ve had some pretty good moments too. Somehow, it’s just that my mood had swung from a super low to a super high to a super low and perhaps now is slightly better although still very unstable at the moment. I don’t know but I don’t really want to give the impression that I’m just forever grumbling and that my life is just so disastrous. However, as much as the holiday is suppose to be a happy time and something to look forward to, things have happened in my life in the very midst of the holidays and in fact problems started towards the end of my A Levels and most of it has been frustration and disappointment at myself for the way I’ve lived my life in this period. And, I know that despite my failures that the Lord still loves me and His mercy remains and I trust that things will be ok. But, somehow, I haven’t been able to snap out of the depression-like symptoms i.e. the mood swings perhaps a result of staying at home too much and being so bored. Deep inside, I know I’m quite happy to have a holiday but it’s just that things don’t seem to be going right at all. I just really want to enjoy the holiday and be glad about it. It strange how like when I have school I wish I would have a holiday yet when the holiday comes, I get too bored it doesn’t make sense at all. Coz, if that’s the case I’ll never be happy. The thing is that I know that my joy depends not on what happens but my joy comes from God. The trouble is that my problems I feel don’t qualify as problems, but relates to my every day Christian living and my relationship with God, I keep worrying too much about my mistakes even though I know the Lord forgives and that it’s perfectly normal to make mistakes. The other issue that has ruined this first part of my holiday is about how I feel the way I’m living out my holiday is worlds apart from the way I think/feel life should be lived. Perhaps, my expectations for the holiday were greater what I could possibly achieve from the holidays. The point is I need to really put that all behind me, move on and start making an effort to make this holiday worthwhile, and not let these mistakes and way that I’m getting through each day feeling like I’ve just wasted time hinder me from living out the life I should in the context of this holiday at least.
Anyway, now here’s about my thoughts about the past week and all the events that made everything in my life fall apart for this long, troublesome and unhappy week. Well, before the past Wednesday, things were already not looking good as I complained about my weekdays in the holidays that I wasn’t able to do fun and purposeful stuff. But, the real beginning of the crazy week was on Thursday. But first, the troubled times came at the point where I was feeling like my holiday was going to be hopelessly wasted as on the weekdays, I was bored and as I spoke with my mum and stuff, somehow it came across to me as if the things I wanted to achieve with this holiday weren’t going to happen and like my dreams of the holiday were not going to ever come true. At this, I was distraught and dejected, looking out the window in silent reflection. Initially, I thought that as long as I’ll be able to go out with friends and have friends over on some days coupled a some ordinarily boring days that my holiday would be more than. Well, I must now that it still is but I realised that I wanted much more from my life, I wanted to buy stuff, go out on fun trips, go on a holiday overseas and do stuff that would make each and every day including weekdays an adventure and an experience, like going places and taking part in activities outside of home. I mean just my whole philosophy of life that I mentioned in the post before the post after this one, I realised was something I’d probably not live up to in this holiday due to constraints such as physically(transport) and relationally, like with no people I could just call up and say hey lets go hang out at blah blah…That left me very unhappy. And to make matters worst, I had been feeling unwell and had a strange sense of discontentment, joylessness, grumpiness and bugging feeling like something weighing me down…a hard to explain feeling of unhappiness that wasn’t even linked to the bad things that were going on around, well erm like the boredom and stuff, which occurred when I felt as if I was feeling good actually, so very contradictory and so extremely confusing feelings were within me. Basically, I didn’t know why I was feeling unhappy when I felt happy and like I had put everything bothering me behind me and had a desire to continue my holiday on a higher note. There seemed no reason why I was to be unhappy yet I felt unhappy, kinda stupid but it seem to make sense to just move on and be happy since I didn’t know why I felt unhappy. My headache, well just made it all the more miserable as I struggled with this issue. And, as silly as it sounds I tried to find a reason for being unhappy. I managed to put it down to my inability to enjoy the holiday, go out with friends and reduce the monotony of the weekdays. This really ended up making my holiday a disaster and as I became short tempered and things flared up at home, and I treated those around me least from acceptable. But, of course, I knew that the weekends were going to be fine the following week coz my parents could take me out and anw my mum had been trying to sign me up for a course, still I found that my life in terms of this holiday was not good enough. The only thing that probably cheered me up were some song I listened to including a Christian song. Anyway, it made me wonder though if I had been drifting off from the right mindset, like here I was searching for something and wanting so much for life and holiday, when the Lord says that His grace is sufficient for me and that all we need in life essentially is a relationship with God. But I guess it is not wrong to want to live life well just that perhaps these things became too important to me and I took it too much into my own hands to decide what I need for this holiday and my life without trusting it the Lord to guide me to come up with plans on how to best make use of my holiday. It seems like the more we want something, the harder it is to get it. And, I guess even without the things I want to do this holiday, life would still be good enough, although effort may be required to entertainment myself and get involved in activities which I’m sure the Lord will provide opportunity for. And perhaps, TRY AND MATERIALISE MY PLAN TO HAVE FRIENDS OVER AT MY PLACE OR ORGANISE A CLASS BBQ.
And, anyway, to something else, talking about my prospective exam results the other day, I have really been not worried at all, since it’s been over a long time for me alr and since I’m just trusting the Lord. And, I know the Lord has a plan for me and even if I dun do well enough I know a route I could take…strikingly similar to what a friend said actually although I must state tt I didn’t copy that but just that it so echoes my view. And, I realise something too, that I seem to have this affinity with someone in that so many coincidences have occurred, well but I know is not by chance. And, about God-sent messages, really God works in mysterious ways we cannot understand, and like puts people at the right places at the right times and make things happen so perfectly and ppl send messages just when we need it, it really isn’t coincidences, it is God’s doing, showing that God is the true and living God. That I must say has been one of the ways God has made Himself real to me.
Now then, more on Friday, Saturday and Sunday where things went from bad to improving to bad and leaving me right now needing to pick myself up again. Well, just a continuation of the above actually as some of my thoughts above were also from within these few days but more specifically here on Saturday and Sunday. I realised that when I thought things were bad things really became bad and like with that strange unhappy feeling as of what I mentioned earlier, I also felt bad about the way I behaved and my mistakes and searching for a reason that I was unhappy made everything become bad like a self-fulfilling prophesy. Made me realise that if I think things are good they would be good but it’s quite hard to think things are great when they aren’t bearing in mind my joy is regardless of circumstances. And, I just really wanted and want to live my life and my holiday for that matter the way it should be lived, that was and is the whole issue, as somehow my holiday seem to stray far from that. Considering that earlier on I had identified a problem with my holidays and my life, that being, my dependence on having others around me to make me happy, well I mean friends,. I didn’t think I’d saying that the problem was also to do with me feeling like my dreams were going to be unfulfilled due to constraints and that my life is not good enough due to more than just a lack of friends but also activities and fun stuff to do during the weekdays and perhaps also doing things that make life for complete and meaningful. That’s what I hate about life here is that its too pragmatic and that made my dreams for the holiday a little out of place and with the (STOP MENTIONING IT) recession makes it a whole harder to make a living and so less time to think about the living life part of it all. And, the fact that I miss the people I care about other than family, never let up to made it difficult to see my holiday as up to the heights I would have thought would be acceptable. I really think that what is really important is for me to do is learn how to entertain myself so I’m not dependent on others and that way perhaps I’d be more fun to be around and life for myself would never be dull. And, really this holiday I really wanted to do some meaningful things to make this holiday more worthwhile. Then, on Saturday, I realised that wow perhaps my dreams and hopes for the holiday were not that far away, that I could still go out and have fun on the weekends since my parents took me out with my sis. We went to this new shopping mall in the West Coast area and saw some AC ppl lol. Anw, there was so nothing there, managed to get some stuff from popular and my FIFA 09 for my PC. But, again that day I had a headache. But, still we went out again in the afternoon, to a mall nearby my house, Bukit Panjang Plaza, to buy David Archuleta’s CD and Daniel Powter’s CD yea. On the way out, had like bubble tea and ham and cheese balls with my sis…lol, abit random here. Then, at night, my cousins came over for dinner, this was by far the best part of the week, we played WII for 3 hours straight, playing like bowling, several different mini games and like Mario and Sonic at the Olympic games..lol..i know it sounds kiddy but the WII we have was a gift and is the Japanese version and our games are all given so that was the best I could find.
The fact that the WII I have is Japanese version and is modified, meant that the next day, i.e. Sunday, when we went to try and get GUITAR HEROES WORLD TOUR, after testing it at Suntec could not work, so we could not buy it. I just hate that like there always so much trouble when I try to get a game console. Its like crazy with all the black market nonsense and dealers out to cheat people. I really don’t know how other people get their stuff without getting into that kinda trouble, I guess, perhaps getting the original version solves it all(without the modification), the thing is that even finding the right version isn’t always an easy thing, people like might sell like something and pass it off as another. So just hate it yea. We had earlier gone to Funan to get a hard drive fixed. And, as for my sis she went for like the autograph session of Lollipop, well in hanyu pinyin, its bang bang tang…lol…imagine its crazy waiting for a few hours just for an autograph but I thought it was quite cool lah even if my parents thought it was a waste of time. It was for a friend anw. Finally, but most importantly in the face of all the trials and troubles this week, it really has been an adjustment back to a life with no school and long breaks, and what I needed most was encouragement and that was exactly the sermon at Church that morning before the event above in this paragraph. It was about how we should encourage others and ultimately God is the greatest encourager of all, the message was like God encouraging me despite my fears and failures and all the bad things that happened to me over the past week. Now, after one of the worst weeks of my life, after hitting an all-time low in my life, I’m hoping to make a fresh start and make the rest of the holiday the best ever in my life, and I’m drawing strength and joy from the Lord to do that, and I just trust that the Lord will be there for me. So, yea…going to just enjoy the rest of my holiday now…
Anyway, now here’s about my thoughts about the past week and all the events that made everything in my life fall apart for this long, troublesome and unhappy week. Well, before the past Wednesday, things were already not looking good as I complained about my weekdays in the holidays that I wasn’t able to do fun and purposeful stuff. But, the real beginning of the crazy week was on Thursday. But first, the troubled times came at the point where I was feeling like my holiday was going to be hopelessly wasted as on the weekdays, I was bored and as I spoke with my mum and stuff, somehow it came across to me as if the things I wanted to achieve with this holiday weren’t going to happen and like my dreams of the holiday were not going to ever come true. At this, I was distraught and dejected, looking out the window in silent reflection. Initially, I thought that as long as I’ll be able to go out with friends and have friends over on some days coupled a some ordinarily boring days that my holiday would be more than. Well, I must now that it still is but I realised that I wanted much more from my life, I wanted to buy stuff, go out on fun trips, go on a holiday overseas and do stuff that would make each and every day including weekdays an adventure and an experience, like going places and taking part in activities outside of home. I mean just my whole philosophy of life that I mentioned in the post before the post after this one, I realised was something I’d probably not live up to in this holiday due to constraints such as physically(transport) and relationally, like with no people I could just call up and say hey lets go hang out at blah blah…That left me very unhappy. And to make matters worst, I had been feeling unwell and had a strange sense of discontentment, joylessness, grumpiness and bugging feeling like something weighing me down…a hard to explain feeling of unhappiness that wasn’t even linked to the bad things that were going on around, well erm like the boredom and stuff, which occurred when I felt as if I was feeling good actually, so very contradictory and so extremely confusing feelings were within me. Basically, I didn’t know why I was feeling unhappy when I felt happy and like I had put everything bothering me behind me and had a desire to continue my holiday on a higher note. There seemed no reason why I was to be unhappy yet I felt unhappy, kinda stupid but it seem to make sense to just move on and be happy since I didn’t know why I felt unhappy. My headache, well just made it all the more miserable as I struggled with this issue. And, as silly as it sounds I tried to find a reason for being unhappy. I managed to put it down to my inability to enjoy the holiday, go out with friends and reduce the monotony of the weekdays. This really ended up making my holiday a disaster and as I became short tempered and things flared up at home, and I treated those around me least from acceptable. But, of course, I knew that the weekends were going to be fine the following week coz my parents could take me out and anw my mum had been trying to sign me up for a course, still I found that my life in terms of this holiday was not good enough. The only thing that probably cheered me up were some song I listened to including a Christian song. Anyway, it made me wonder though if I had been drifting off from the right mindset, like here I was searching for something and wanting so much for life and holiday, when the Lord says that His grace is sufficient for me and that all we need in life essentially is a relationship with God. But I guess it is not wrong to want to live life well just that perhaps these things became too important to me and I took it too much into my own hands to decide what I need for this holiday and my life without trusting it the Lord to guide me to come up with plans on how to best make use of my holiday. It seems like the more we want something, the harder it is to get it. And, I guess even without the things I want to do this holiday, life would still be good enough, although effort may be required to entertainment myself and get involved in activities which I’m sure the Lord will provide opportunity for. And perhaps, TRY AND MATERIALISE MY PLAN TO HAVE FRIENDS OVER AT MY PLACE OR ORGANISE A CLASS BBQ.
And, anyway, to something else, talking about my prospective exam results the other day, I have really been not worried at all, since it’s been over a long time for me alr and since I’m just trusting the Lord. And, I know the Lord has a plan for me and even if I dun do well enough I know a route I could take…strikingly similar to what a friend said actually although I must state tt I didn’t copy that but just that it so echoes my view. And, I realise something too, that I seem to have this affinity with someone in that so many coincidences have occurred, well but I know is not by chance. And, about God-sent messages, really God works in mysterious ways we cannot understand, and like puts people at the right places at the right times and make things happen so perfectly and ppl send messages just when we need it, it really isn’t coincidences, it is God’s doing, showing that God is the true and living God. That I must say has been one of the ways God has made Himself real to me.
Now then, more on Friday, Saturday and Sunday where things went from bad to improving to bad and leaving me right now needing to pick myself up again. Well, just a continuation of the above actually as some of my thoughts above were also from within these few days but more specifically here on Saturday and Sunday. I realised that when I thought things were bad things really became bad and like with that strange unhappy feeling as of what I mentioned earlier, I also felt bad about the way I behaved and my mistakes and searching for a reason that I was unhappy made everything become bad like a self-fulfilling prophesy. Made me realise that if I think things are good they would be good but it’s quite hard to think things are great when they aren’t bearing in mind my joy is regardless of circumstances. And, I just really wanted and want to live my life and my holiday for that matter the way it should be lived, that was and is the whole issue, as somehow my holiday seem to stray far from that. Considering that earlier on I had identified a problem with my holidays and my life, that being, my dependence on having others around me to make me happy, well I mean friends,. I didn’t think I’d saying that the problem was also to do with me feeling like my dreams were going to be unfulfilled due to constraints and that my life is not good enough due to more than just a lack of friends but also activities and fun stuff to do during the weekdays and perhaps also doing things that make life for complete and meaningful. That’s what I hate about life here is that its too pragmatic and that made my dreams for the holiday a little out of place and with the (STOP MENTIONING IT) recession makes it a whole harder to make a living and so less time to think about the living life part of it all. And, the fact that I miss the people I care about other than family, never let up to made it difficult to see my holiday as up to the heights I would have thought would be acceptable. I really think that what is really important is for me to do is learn how to entertain myself so I’m not dependent on others and that way perhaps I’d be more fun to be around and life for myself would never be dull. And, really this holiday I really wanted to do some meaningful things to make this holiday more worthwhile. Then, on Saturday, I realised that wow perhaps my dreams and hopes for the holiday were not that far away, that I could still go out and have fun on the weekends since my parents took me out with my sis. We went to this new shopping mall in the West Coast area and saw some AC ppl lol. Anw, there was so nothing there, managed to get some stuff from popular and my FIFA 09 for my PC. But, again that day I had a headache. But, still we went out again in the afternoon, to a mall nearby my house, Bukit Panjang Plaza, to buy David Archuleta’s CD and Daniel Powter’s CD yea. On the way out, had like bubble tea and ham and cheese balls with my sis…lol, abit random here. Then, at night, my cousins came over for dinner, this was by far the best part of the week, we played WII for 3 hours straight, playing like bowling, several different mini games and like Mario and Sonic at the Olympic games..lol..i know it sounds kiddy but the WII we have was a gift and is the Japanese version and our games are all given so that was the best I could find.
The fact that the WII I have is Japanese version and is modified, meant that the next day, i.e. Sunday, when we went to try and get GUITAR HEROES WORLD TOUR, after testing it at Suntec could not work, so we could not buy it. I just hate that like there always so much trouble when I try to get a game console. Its like crazy with all the black market nonsense and dealers out to cheat people. I really don’t know how other people get their stuff without getting into that kinda trouble, I guess, perhaps getting the original version solves it all(without the modification), the thing is that even finding the right version isn’t always an easy thing, people like might sell like something and pass it off as another. So just hate it yea. We had earlier gone to Funan to get a hard drive fixed. And, as for my sis she went for like the autograph session of Lollipop, well in hanyu pinyin, its bang bang tang…lol…imagine its crazy waiting for a few hours just for an autograph but I thought it was quite cool lah even if my parents thought it was a waste of time. It was for a friend anw. Finally, but most importantly in the face of all the trials and troubles this week, it really has been an adjustment back to a life with no school and long breaks, and what I needed most was encouragement and that was exactly the sermon at Church that morning before the event above in this paragraph. It was about how we should encourage others and ultimately God is the greatest encourager of all, the message was like God encouraging me despite my fears and failures and all the bad things that happened to me over the past week. Now, after one of the worst weeks of my life, after hitting an all-time low in my life, I’m hoping to make a fresh start and make the rest of the holiday the best ever in my life, and I’m drawing strength and joy from the Lord to do that, and I just trust that the Lord will be there for me. So, yea…going to just enjoy the rest of my holiday now…
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