Beauty in the Breakdown...
This week was not exactly the good week that I was hoping for, but I guess it ended ok. It was like I had a few good moments out of a week where I was mainly not feeling too ok, almost like sort of depressed. I guess, I just felt like I had failed in so many ways and my life just felt so far from what I feel life should be like, without the fact that I practically waste my time away everyday. It was also like was stressed out by stuff too, like my uni application, the random call I got and just frustrations about being unable to do my work well or whatever it is I have to do. To be honest, the past week was just plain confusing and stressful. Like, I felt so unhappy but yet I didn’t know why, and for some reason I just couldn’t make myself be happy, and to know and feel that everything was great and that I had nothing at all to worry about. So here’s about my week which was not that exciting. Yea, can’t believe I’m saying this but my life is seriously not great at the moment, and is pretty boring as much as I seem to see that everyone have something exciting going in their lives right now…sigh
First, yea there was Monday, which was surprisingly a depressing day after I had such a blast on the weekend being able to just hang out with our old classmates and stuff. It was like I somehow was feeling strangely down almost for like no reason. My day was probably really boring, evidence of the fact is that I can’t rmb what happened, I would guess that I was on the com and TV all day tts all. Oh ya, I tried to redo my application essay for my NTU submission, but anw in the end it wasn’t good enough. But, what I do rmb was that I had sort of like a breakdown at the end of the day, coz I was making a stand for my point of view which my parents disagreed with me about, thinking that I was being very immature with my thinking, but still I don’t see it that way. I mean, it is about the philosophy of life, the argument between MAKING A LIVING OR TO LIVE LIFE…it is basically down to the problem of practicality versus living each day as if it is your last, coz like a poor person, no disrespect, would of course be happy enough to get through each day, so in that sense u can’t exactly do what want, beyond limitations. But, for me I hate to see life as with limitations, I have the “radical” belief that we should see life as not bound by any perimeters, after all, isn’t it true that nothing is impossible with God. But, the age old debate still goes on…so no point getting caught up in it…oh well…
However, I really felt like there was beauty in the breakdown, coz for a moment that night I felt like no one understood me and that I was such a failure in life, but that coz me to fall to my knees and look to God, I realised that truly, on my own I am not good enough my life would fail, so I was reminded to really surrender my life to God and His will for my life, for in God, a surrendered life is TRULY THE BEST WAY TO LIVE LIFE…!!! So, if I’m really hoping for my life to be great, where more than all my dreams, I could have such a wonderful life, all I have to do is entrust my life to God. You know it’s like my life feels so far that my dreams are so far away and nothing in my life seems right, but I realise all I have to is turn my life over to God and let Him use my life and turn it into something beautiful. My life can be even better than what I can hope for in Christ. In my brokenness, it always leads me to God, maybe that was what I needed so I could worship at a deeper level, coz I know God is more interested in character building than our happiness, so I should consider it pure joy whenever I face trials of many kinds. Also, it reminded me that while all else fails, God is constant and I can trust in Him to always be there for me, even if it feels like the whole world is against me.
Then, Tuesday came as the worst point in the past week. Like, I was totally weirded out by the day. My fragile happiness that started to emerge after a downcast day before was thrown off totally not because bad things happened on Tuesday in fact Monday was kind of worst in that sense, but it was like I was half way recovering from Monday with all my frustrations and stuff, and a weird day was exactly what I didn’t need, which is what I got so that was why it was so called the worst point in my past week. It was first, like, I was wrestling with all my feelings of disappointment with myself and all the frustrations so far. Then, my dad came home after a scope, and he was like still groggy when he got home, and he temporarily seem to lose his memory which was actually pretty scary and yet all very strange. But, it made me wonder why I always argue with my parents and sometimes we aren’t always on the best of terms, I guess no one can say they are not guilty of that, but like life is so fragile, yet we forget that and we do things that ruin relationships, but one day someone could be here and the next they are not, so while our loved ones are alive we should show all the concern and put all our differences aside, for we certainly would not want that the last words we said to our loved ones to be out of anger but of love. It’s like I realise everyone is human and just as vulnerable even our parents and that makes me feel that how can we truly against one another when we all are so vulnerable. But, by far worst thing was the fraudulent call I got about some job interview nonsense, and I felt so stupid that I gave away valuable information. And, I really was made to feel really horrible about everything by the fact that everything seemed to be going wrong. Oh but out of all this I began an important journey in my life now, I decided to really read my Bible through, and I started the first day of reading on this day. On hindsight, I have continued up till now which is already Sunday and I’m still going strong.
But, that would change slightly the next day which was Wednesday, it was sort of like the recovery day of the past week. Basically, on this day, I started off with reading Bible again, and then, I was on the com until 3:30 in the afternoon. But, on this day, I also finally sent in my all my application stuff already. I then, spent the rest of the day, resting, reading my magazines, watching TV and doing personal reflections which helped me get over everything that happened this week that was not great for me. And, by the next day, I felt like everything was great again. And, my day wasn’t particularly different, I actually did the usual stuff like play com and watch TV, yea also American Idol again. And, I had chess lesson too. But, I was definitely over all the bad stuff and as I had prayed for the Lord to give me that peace of mind again.
Then, Friday came and I began to feel that same feeling of feeling bad about stuff I’ve done in my life. And, I had to remind myself of the verse that if we confess our sins the Lord is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. It really was quite a struggle because at times I know I still make mistakes. But, I just really got to trust that when I ask the Lord to forgive me that He forgives me. It took me awhile, but I think I’ve finally put all that behind me. I’m just continuing to pray that the Lord will transform me more and more into His image each day. The trouble is that I’ve made mistakes that only the Lord knows, but guess it all doesn’t matter coz it’s between me and the Lord…I know in my heart that I believe in the Lord, I’ve asked the Lord to forgive me and I am forgiven. And, sure as a Christian I still make mistakes but with all my might and with the Lord’s help I try my best to honour the Lord in all I do, ultimately though, I know that the Lord will transform me into the person He wants me to be and I should not let my mistakes discourage me. So I guess that day I spent a lot of time in prayer and reflection, and it made me feel better. But, somehow again that day I wasn’t happy again and was really bored again, thinking about how my life feels like nothing is going on at all and I wish that I could do more with my holiday than this. But, I guess, I just trusted the Lord to make me feel better again, and I know that if I listen hard for the Lord’s will, He will show me what to do with the rest of my holiday in a way that will be fruitful and fun, and as exciting as anyone else’s life. But, anw I got through the day, spending time on facebook, msn and watching TV and stuff. I also watched slumdog millionaire, I won’t say how. What I must say is that the movie was not bad, was a little touching but yet it was a little disturbing though. Then, later on in the evening, I went for a drive with my mum to send my brother for tuition and pick my dad up from work. And, I introduced the song FOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND from Leona Lewis album, the song co written by simon cowell and someone else. We listened to the song which inspired all of us, despite how tough life seems to be right now. And, that night, I also posted the other songs by boys like girls from Heavy Heart on facebook and I listen to their songs and I must say they were nice and made me feel better somehow. At the end of the day, I finally come to terms with everything and I think I feel great again already and things all seem to be perfectly well again in my life, just hope to do more stuff soon and to hear good news about my uni application soon.
And, as for Saturday, I didn’t do much did some stuff on my com and watched TV in th morning and had chess training in the afternoon. Btw, thanks to my dad asking them to let me join the FIDE squad, I started my chess training again. But, sadly I lost the first game, hopefully though I’ll be able to improve my chess again and get some results in my chess again soon. And, then, at night, we supported Earth Hour by switching off the lights, but actually despite all the efforts I think like more people probably still left their lights on, I bet Earth was far from getting 1 billion votes, oh no global warming wins, ok jk. All the best to Earth anw…lol. And, then today, I was just at home resting and slacking so yea…and of course blog this…
To end then, I must say that this week in a few words was about having victory over all the bad things, i.e. to emerge with great joy out of all the unhappiness and to know that everything is great and perfect again. I mean like after all of this week’s misery, I’m finally starting to believe again that my life is great and I feel like the sunshine has emerged after the storm in my life again…truly that is THE BEAUTY IN THE BREAKDOWN…thank God, I’m alright again yea…
Anw, so here are the lyrics of the two songs that meant alot to me the past week, one from the boys like girls song i uploaded onto facebook and the other is a leona lewis song...
Let Go - Boys Like Girls
Drink up baby down,
Mmmm, are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind'
Cause it's all going off without you,
Excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy,
These mishaps, you bubble wrap,
When you've no idea what you're like.
So let go, let go, jump in,
Oh well, whatcha waiting for,
It's alright,
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown,
Let go, l-let go, just get in,
Oh, it's so amazing here,
It's alright,
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown.
It gains the more it gives,
And then it rises with the fall,
So hand me that remote,
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow.
Such boundless pleasure,
We've no time for later now,
You can't await your own arrival,
You've 20 seconds to comply,
So let go, let go, jump in,
Oh well, whatcha waiting for,
It's alright,
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown,
Let go, l-let go, just get in,
Oh, it's so amazing here,
It's alright,
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown.
So let go, jump in,
Oh well, whatcha waiting for,
It's alright,
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown,
Let go, l-let go, just get in,
Oh, it's so amazing here,
It's alright,
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown.
The breakdown.
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown.
It's so amazing here,
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown.
Footprints in the Sand - Leona Lewis
You walked with me,
Footprints in the sand,
And help me understand,
Where I'm going,
You walked with me,
When I was all alone,
With so much unknown,
Along the way,
Then I heard you say,
I promise you,
I'm always there,
When your heart is filled
With sorrow and despair,
I'll carry you
When you need a friend,
You'll find my footprints in the sand.
I see my life flash across the sky,
So many times have
I been so afraid.
And just when I,
I thought I lost my way,
You give me strength to carry on,
That's when I heard you say,
I promise you
I'm always there
When your heart is filled
With sorrow and despair
And, I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand.
When I'm with you,
Well I know you've been there,
And I can feel you when you say,
I promise you (you)
I'm always there
When your heart is filled (when your heart)
With sadness and despair (and despair)
I'll carry you when you need a friend (need a friend)
You'll find my footprints in the sand. (I promise you)
Ohh. (I'm always there)
When your heart is full of
Sadness and despair, (and despair)
I'll carry you when you need a friend. (I'll carry you)
You'll find my footprints in the sand.
Uhh mmhhh.
Leona Lewis (choir)
First, yea there was Monday, which was surprisingly a depressing day after I had such a blast on the weekend being able to just hang out with our old classmates and stuff. It was like I somehow was feeling strangely down almost for like no reason. My day was probably really boring, evidence of the fact is that I can’t rmb what happened, I would guess that I was on the com and TV all day tts all. Oh ya, I tried to redo my application essay for my NTU submission, but anw in the end it wasn’t good enough. But, what I do rmb was that I had sort of like a breakdown at the end of the day, coz I was making a stand for my point of view which my parents disagreed with me about, thinking that I was being very immature with my thinking, but still I don’t see it that way. I mean, it is about the philosophy of life, the argument between MAKING A LIVING OR TO LIVE LIFE…it is basically down to the problem of practicality versus living each day as if it is your last, coz like a poor person, no disrespect, would of course be happy enough to get through each day, so in that sense u can’t exactly do what want, beyond limitations. But, for me I hate to see life as with limitations, I have the “radical” belief that we should see life as not bound by any perimeters, after all, isn’t it true that nothing is impossible with God. But, the age old debate still goes on…so no point getting caught up in it…oh well…
However, I really felt like there was beauty in the breakdown, coz for a moment that night I felt like no one understood me and that I was such a failure in life, but that coz me to fall to my knees and look to God, I realised that truly, on my own I am not good enough my life would fail, so I was reminded to really surrender my life to God and His will for my life, for in God, a surrendered life is TRULY THE BEST WAY TO LIVE LIFE…!!! So, if I’m really hoping for my life to be great, where more than all my dreams, I could have such a wonderful life, all I have to do is entrust my life to God. You know it’s like my life feels so far that my dreams are so far away and nothing in my life seems right, but I realise all I have to is turn my life over to God and let Him use my life and turn it into something beautiful. My life can be even better than what I can hope for in Christ. In my brokenness, it always leads me to God, maybe that was what I needed so I could worship at a deeper level, coz I know God is more interested in character building than our happiness, so I should consider it pure joy whenever I face trials of many kinds. Also, it reminded me that while all else fails, God is constant and I can trust in Him to always be there for me, even if it feels like the whole world is against me.
Then, Tuesday came as the worst point in the past week. Like, I was totally weirded out by the day. My fragile happiness that started to emerge after a downcast day before was thrown off totally not because bad things happened on Tuesday in fact Monday was kind of worst in that sense, but it was like I was half way recovering from Monday with all my frustrations and stuff, and a weird day was exactly what I didn’t need, which is what I got so that was why it was so called the worst point in my past week. It was first, like, I was wrestling with all my feelings of disappointment with myself and all the frustrations so far. Then, my dad came home after a scope, and he was like still groggy when he got home, and he temporarily seem to lose his memory which was actually pretty scary and yet all very strange. But, it made me wonder why I always argue with my parents and sometimes we aren’t always on the best of terms, I guess no one can say they are not guilty of that, but like life is so fragile, yet we forget that and we do things that ruin relationships, but one day someone could be here and the next they are not, so while our loved ones are alive we should show all the concern and put all our differences aside, for we certainly would not want that the last words we said to our loved ones to be out of anger but of love. It’s like I realise everyone is human and just as vulnerable even our parents and that makes me feel that how can we truly against one another when we all are so vulnerable. But, by far worst thing was the fraudulent call I got about some job interview nonsense, and I felt so stupid that I gave away valuable information. And, I really was made to feel really horrible about everything by the fact that everything seemed to be going wrong. Oh but out of all this I began an important journey in my life now, I decided to really read my Bible through, and I started the first day of reading on this day. On hindsight, I have continued up till now which is already Sunday and I’m still going strong.
But, that would change slightly the next day which was Wednesday, it was sort of like the recovery day of the past week. Basically, on this day, I started off with reading Bible again, and then, I was on the com until 3:30 in the afternoon. But, on this day, I also finally sent in my all my application stuff already. I then, spent the rest of the day, resting, reading my magazines, watching TV and doing personal reflections which helped me get over everything that happened this week that was not great for me. And, by the next day, I felt like everything was great again. And, my day wasn’t particularly different, I actually did the usual stuff like play com and watch TV, yea also American Idol again. And, I had chess lesson too. But, I was definitely over all the bad stuff and as I had prayed for the Lord to give me that peace of mind again.
Then, Friday came and I began to feel that same feeling of feeling bad about stuff I’ve done in my life. And, I had to remind myself of the verse that if we confess our sins the Lord is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. It really was quite a struggle because at times I know I still make mistakes. But, I just really got to trust that when I ask the Lord to forgive me that He forgives me. It took me awhile, but I think I’ve finally put all that behind me. I’m just continuing to pray that the Lord will transform me more and more into His image each day. The trouble is that I’ve made mistakes that only the Lord knows, but guess it all doesn’t matter coz it’s between me and the Lord…I know in my heart that I believe in the Lord, I’ve asked the Lord to forgive me and I am forgiven. And, sure as a Christian I still make mistakes but with all my might and with the Lord’s help I try my best to honour the Lord in all I do, ultimately though, I know that the Lord will transform me into the person He wants me to be and I should not let my mistakes discourage me. So I guess that day I spent a lot of time in prayer and reflection, and it made me feel better. But, somehow again that day I wasn’t happy again and was really bored again, thinking about how my life feels like nothing is going on at all and I wish that I could do more with my holiday than this. But, I guess, I just trusted the Lord to make me feel better again, and I know that if I listen hard for the Lord’s will, He will show me what to do with the rest of my holiday in a way that will be fruitful and fun, and as exciting as anyone else’s life. But, anw I got through the day, spending time on facebook, msn and watching TV and stuff. I also watched slumdog millionaire, I won’t say how. What I must say is that the movie was not bad, was a little touching but yet it was a little disturbing though. Then, later on in the evening, I went for a drive with my mum to send my brother for tuition and pick my dad up from work. And, I introduced the song FOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND from Leona Lewis album, the song co written by simon cowell and someone else. We listened to the song which inspired all of us, despite how tough life seems to be right now. And, that night, I also posted the other songs by boys like girls from Heavy Heart on facebook and I listen to their songs and I must say they were nice and made me feel better somehow. At the end of the day, I finally come to terms with everything and I think I feel great again already and things all seem to be perfectly well again in my life, just hope to do more stuff soon and to hear good news about my uni application soon.
And, as for Saturday, I didn’t do much did some stuff on my com and watched TV in th morning and had chess training in the afternoon. Btw, thanks to my dad asking them to let me join the FIDE squad, I started my chess training again. But, sadly I lost the first game, hopefully though I’ll be able to improve my chess again and get some results in my chess again soon. And, then, at night, we supported Earth Hour by switching off the lights, but actually despite all the efforts I think like more people probably still left their lights on, I bet Earth was far from getting 1 billion votes, oh no global warming wins, ok jk. All the best to Earth anw…lol. And, then today, I was just at home resting and slacking so yea…and of course blog this…
To end then, I must say that this week in a few words was about having victory over all the bad things, i.e. to emerge with great joy out of all the unhappiness and to know that everything is great and perfect again. I mean like after all of this week’s misery, I’m finally starting to believe again that my life is great and I feel like the sunshine has emerged after the storm in my life again…truly that is THE BEAUTY IN THE BREAKDOWN…thank God, I’m alright again yea…
Anw, so here are the lyrics of the two songs that meant alot to me the past week, one from the boys like girls song i uploaded onto facebook and the other is a leona lewis song...
Let Go - Boys Like Girls
Drink up baby down,
Mmmm, are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind'
Cause it's all going off without you,
Excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy,
These mishaps, you bubble wrap,
When you've no idea what you're like.
So let go, let go, jump in,
Oh well, whatcha waiting for,
It's alright,
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown,
Let go, l-let go, just get in,
Oh, it's so amazing here,
It's alright,
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown.
It gains the more it gives,
And then it rises with the fall,
So hand me that remote,
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow.
Such boundless pleasure,
We've no time for later now,
You can't await your own arrival,
You've 20 seconds to comply,
So let go, let go, jump in,
Oh well, whatcha waiting for,
It's alright,
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown,
Let go, l-let go, just get in,
Oh, it's so amazing here,
It's alright,
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown.
So let go, jump in,
Oh well, whatcha waiting for,
It's alright,
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown,
Let go, l-let go, just get in,
Oh, it's so amazing here,
It's alright,
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown.
The breakdown.
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown.
It's so amazing here,
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown.
Footprints in the Sand - Leona Lewis
You walked with me,
Footprints in the sand,
And help me understand,
Where I'm going,
You walked with me,
When I was all alone,
With so much unknown,
Along the way,
Then I heard you say,
I promise you,
I'm always there,
When your heart is filled
With sorrow and despair,
I'll carry you
When you need a friend,
You'll find my footprints in the sand.
I see my life flash across the sky,
So many times have
I been so afraid.
And just when I,
I thought I lost my way,
You give me strength to carry on,
That's when I heard you say,
I promise you
I'm always there
When your heart is filled
With sorrow and despair
And, I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand.
When I'm with you,
Well I know you've been there,
And I can feel you when you say,
I promise you (you)
I'm always there
When your heart is filled (when your heart)
With sadness and despair (and despair)
I'll carry you when you need a friend (need a friend)
You'll find my footprints in the sand. (I promise you)
Ohh. (I'm always there)
When your heart is full of
Sadness and despair, (and despair)
I'll carry you when you need a friend. (I'll carry you)
You'll find my footprints in the sand.
Uhh mmhhh.
Leona Lewis (choir)
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