Trying Hard To Believe...in people

I must say its really really hard for me to let myself believe in people. I mean this in the sense that, I try my best everytime to think the best of people...in the end I seemed to be let down all the time.

There are a few explanations, one, that i'm expecting too much out of people, two, i'm letting just that small thing mistakes that makes someone miss perfection by a whisker, be the basis for my judgement that this person can't be believed in, finally, it could be that people just are that much unreliable.

I believe the answer is the third one...however, i'm not overgeneralising, i believe the third applies to alot of people but not everyone.

I would say family and true friends are definitely not in this category. Perhaps, maybe then the problem is that i feel that people are my friends when maybe they don't regard me as a friend.

The thing is, i very upset by the people who treated me nicely and made me feel like i belonged...and when i believe that they genuinely want to be my friend...they always seem to sort of let me down. In the sense that, all the could be friends that i had...always either gradually drifted apart and then it becomes as if i never had a friend.

I wonder sometimes if its really because of my condition...i mean u hear about people losing friends once something bad happens to them or u shall we just say people who are "different".

That is like...hypocrisy and like false friendship.

True it harder to be friends with people like me for example...just because its inconvenient but is that a good enough excuse?..NO.

What i'm trying to do is make myself believe again that when someone treats me well...they really want to be friends.

I mean i really really don't want to get upset everytime people treat me well...and then give me the false impression that they truly wanna be friends.

I just wish someone out there would just prove to me that...that i can believe in people again.

I seem to always get conflicting messages...one moment it seems like, theres a friend..and next there isn't. It always confuses me.

Is it really that difficult, to just be truthful in action and in speech?

It feels almost as bad when people give me false impressions as lying to me.

I guess so that's the frustrating thing for me at this point.

Now, to better stuff shall we say. Firstly, my sis is doing ok in Australia, or so she says in the email..so i'll take it as that. Secondly, its going to be CNY next week. Thirdly, i guess its good that i'm ok...i.e. not feeling unwell, studying hard for the only dampener next week the econs and chem test...and feeling not too bad.

If u haven't noticed, I'm trying to think of the good things to say...which apparently seems too hard for me...in fact my mum said it was fine if i was just happy that i'm alive and breathing.

Thus, the randomness of my attempt at being optimistic.

So i guess i'll end here...just to make this post have more of a connection to the title...i'll end with tihs...I just want to be rite when i believe that people wanna be friends and not face anymore let downs...i'd rather have someone not treat me well...then treat me well for the sake of it. So for now i'll just try to keep believing...even if it is hard cos i don't wish to get fooled...and i just hope someone would show me that i can believe in people...