Separate Worlds

Well, where do I start? This is like two weeks from my last post and much has happened during the two weeks in that I spent a lot of the past two weeks being involved in my two main activities namely chess and vocals. But, like the week before, was focussed mainly on my chess coz I had the commonwealth chess championships, while last week was basically a review of the tournament and recuperation as I had fallen sick since last week till now where I am on the road to recovery. And, our cousins did come to visit twice.

That really sums up my last two weeks, I know it really is like nothing happened but the chess tournament did take a lot out of me and of the week, it was like 5 days. And, I’ve just been busy with random stuff at home apart from the extended rests I have been taking since the tiring tournament. Just somehow from the way I have described my past two weeks, there is something empty about it and feels like there’s really not much in my life right now, it’s like so scarce, wasted and few and far between. But, by no means am I saying that I take back my words about the fact that I feel like I’m filling my life with a lot of the things that I want, going all out for my dreams, reaching to others, getting a lot of stuff I want and things like that; you know just living my life to the fullest much more and feeling good spiritually and about most of my life right now. Just that, it feels like there is so much more that I want and need in my life not in a material sense but in terms of doing things in my life and having time with people and having people in my life.

Then again, there is this whole other category of things I wish were in my life which I don’t even know what it is, coz i don’t know all i really want to add to my life, to make me feel like I live a really fun and exciting life. For me i really have to feel like every step of the way in my life i giving my best to enjoy every moment in my life to make the most of every moment to achieve something to do something meaningful to move towards a goal and my ultimate purpose to be inspired passionate, doing the things i want, spending time with people. To put it simply i want to feel alive, like i’m living life to the fullest, like I ‘m living life unlimited and going to do things in life. Ok, I’ll put it down to one thing, just want to have an eventful life, whereby each and every day I go for some event, or do some activity relating to my interest or meet people, or contribute something or doing something purposeful or meaningful or just achieve something in my area of passion.

And, in view of all these things, it’s not that I don’t understand that as aptly put as it is, that Christ came so that we could have life and life in full, and not that I don’t know that true meaning in life comes from living for the purpose of our existence that is to bring glory to God. Yes, our relationship with God is of utmost importance and takes precedence, in fact it is the only things really truly matters in the end and when we seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness all these things shall be added unto us and delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart, I know and believe that. The point right is just that really I want to live my life in a bigger and greater way. You know I used to say these things and feel this way, I’ve said it many times in my blogging adventure that began almost 2 and a half years ago, coz really at every stage in my life that has always been my aim to live life to the fullest, and just not yet, not yet; I haven’t reach that stage where I can fully say I have achieved that, but then again isn’t that what life is about: learning and growing. We can’t possibly master the art of living life until we have lived this lifetime. For once, I’m finally feeling like I’ve gone back to a certain time in my life where feel lost in this ideal of living life to the fullest and where I feel so passionate about the things I’m passionate about in life. It’s like how we go through a time where we are searching for answers in life and then we find one and move on with our lives living in a more conscious way coz we know more about what our lives are about, then one day we come back to where we first started but with even more understanding, and it feels like you’ve rediscovered that passionate for knowing how to live life to the fullest but this time it is much clearer about how to go about it.

To me life is about going through a cycle of searching for something and learning more, and then coming back to the point of our search asking more questions again. Somehow I just feel it’s a combination of me be not completely well and having been so into the world of chess the week before, that has made me reflect on where I am in my life again coz I feel like I’ve been transported to a whole new place but back to a state of mind like the time in my life where I first began my whole search for the meaning in life and my ideals of living life to the fullest. It like being so engrossed in another world that I’ve almost forgotten the state of mind I’ve been in recent times, it’s like starting over, starting afresh but just with more knowledge, experience and greater awareness. It really is like I’ve been transported between separate worlds from the world of chess but more broadly the world of competition and the whole routine of it and other the hand the real world of like living life from day to day in my pursuit of a life lived to the fullest.

But, in returning back from the chess tournament to the usual life, I felt like I came back without the state of mind I’ve been in in the recent months rather to the time in my life where I did feel that there has got to be more to my life. Not that I was completely satisfied in recent times, coz in fact although I’m started to fill my life with a lot more of the things I want and am living more and more in the way that I want, there is still much that I hope to do more of in my life in keeping with my ideals that is living life to the fullest. And, I don’t put that down to discontentment, it’s just that I feel there is potential for so much more in my life and I’m not fully utilising that. But, my state of mind in recent times has been one of being at peace with everything as has mostly been the case since after coming to terms with what it means to living life to the fullest but perhaps more of being satisfied in knowing I’m making progress towards my goal of living life to the fullest. And, just being so bogged down by my routine which mostly pretty mundane that I was living as consciously as I used to be.

Perhaps taking me out of this routine made me see again what I had realised before this recent time. And, that is that there was potential for much more in my life as much as I know I have already made a lot of headway. As for the two very distinct things I correlated then, well, falling sick really somehow did make me feel inspired and passionate again, which brought me back to the time where the whole living life to the fullest began. This was because having been away from the many things in my life at that time, i.e. during my JC years, there were a lot of things regarding the affairs of the heart, and I felt passionate about some things but lost that in being away from everything since I took a break for this whole year. Suddenly, because of being ill for a couple of days last week, my passion was reignited, it’s like all the feelings I forgot how to feel just came back to me. Again, I felt the passion especially in regards to living life to the fullest.

Now then, I know that everything under the sun is meaningless but there is meaning in all things as long as we have the heart of worship in bringing glory to God in all we do. But, the question begs, if really I had the kind of life I crave with the eventful life I want, would I really be happy? You know what I know that if I had this life that I crave I know I will be satisfied even though inherently everything is meaningless. That is because I know my ultimate purpose which is to glorify God in the five areas and I see that as part of the lifestyle of living for God to be able to make the most of my life not just but enjoying this gift of life but sharing it with others and in the process make a difference.

However, really, for me I’m happy to be able to go out from time to time with my family which forms the majority of the outside events in my life so far, it just that I want to do more than just that, I want to have friends to be able to go out and do stuff. And, I know this past year I have felt like I was living life more fully partly because with my dad, I was able to go places and do stuff I wanted to do here on this island, but it’s just different going out and doing stuff with my dad only. There is still this sense of loneliness sometimes. I must stress that I really appreciate it and it meant a lot to me, to be able to spend time with my dad, I mean not everyone is so fortunate to be able to do that. The thing is that, somehow in some sense it was a little aimless, although I must say I learnt a lot going out to several different places. I don’t know what it was I guess the more the merrier or just it means more if we had more people to share the experiences with.

Actually it really isn’t that these times where we went out were not good, in fact they were great but more that I’m seeking for more events of different kinds and to be able to share not just with family but with other people. To sum all this up it is that I feel like I have so much in my life now and I’m filing my life with things that I want, and I’m living life to the fullest more, but still feel like there’s still nothing really going on in my life in terms of social life and going out and doing stuff with people, like how lots of people are having activities galore this holiday season and I’m not. One thing I must remind myself though is that even if I have nothing, in Christ I have everything.

Apart from this there has been just so much on my mind but I’ve been so busy and preoccupied with going through the motions in my life that I can’t rmb all of it and I’ve had to rest much that I haven’t really been able to sit down think my thought through and write them out. As a continuation to my thoughts about being successful, I thought about the motivation to win sometime during the past two weeks. I guess, the motivation to win should be that we want to give God the glory in our victory which is made possible through God, and really innate in us is the desire to win, we all want to be the best, for God wants us to achieve to the best of our abilities. And, it is not that then if we lose we are unable to glorify God, but in giving all we can for a victory and for God’s glory.

Also, I watched a show where one of the main characters was this person who was materialistic and wanted to buy something expensive and having saved up she bought the thing, then before she knew it there was another new thing that came out. Materialism is really like a vicious cycle of wanting, getting and wanting more again. But, I guess there’s nothing wrong in wanting things, it is down to the heart I feel. I feel materialism is when it becomes our focus and drives us, when it becomes too important. And, it is when we want things for the wrong reasons, like getting branded stuff just to boast. Ok, the point is that material things only provide temporary happiness, but true happiness is in living for God’s purposes. But, what about getting things we want...I mean then why should we even want any material things and with so many wants we just can’t have everything. And, yes a good guideline is to make sure we are not spending excessively, but if we should want to have what we want it just would also be too much. I feel that we should get the things we want wherever we can according to how God blesses us and thank God for it.

Then, I heard this story of someone wanting revenge for a wrong committed. So it made me consider the reason that we are to live and let live, that we have no right to take the law into our own hands. It is that ultimately God will punish those who have done wrong, there will be justice done. Therefore, we can rest knowing that the bad will face the consequences. And, we should let go of our hurt coz those who have hurt us can only continue to hurt us as long as we hold on to the hurt. The other thing I came across was this saying that when we work hard we can get what we want. Sort of like you reap what you sow, it really is so true coz really for the most part hard work gets us what we want. Finally, the last thing I was thinking about was whether true love can be lost by being apart or whether love can blossom where there wasn’t anything before by being apart.

To end, just felt like I been in separate worlds with the chess tournament on one week and back to my usual routines at home, but somehow it transported me to a time where I felt so passionately about needing to do more with my life to live life to the fullest. And, indeed in my life now I wish to do more...