BitterSweet...
This week, I had the most amazing feeling ever in my life, ironically it’s also the worst feeling I’ve ever had in my life. There was a point of time in my life earlier this year that I was at such at all-time high, my life was going great, I had joy despite all the circumstances, I could feel God presence ever so greatly in my life, I felt I was living life completely the way it should be lived and that I was living life fully and I wasn’t wishing for friends and I didn’t miss her anymore. But, now that it’s like December 13, the year’s coming to an end soon and I’m having a really long break in which I’ve failed to truly enjoy myself, do meaningful things and meet friends. Now, I’ve hit an all-time low, feels like the worst time ever in my life. So, now I filled with this sadness and emo feeling. Been feeling recently that my life is not good enough, it’s like the whole world seems to have so much going in their lives, while I’m stuck at home for most of the weekdays and go out to shopping malls with my family during the weekend and Church of course on Sunday. Just this sentence alone summarises my holiday, so you can understand how utterly boring it is and how my life is so dull.
That’s the thing about me, there’s so much I want from life and I have this tremendous passion for living life, yet all I do is live minimally. So that explains why the people I like the most are people who I believe are in that sense living life to the fullest and who lead active lives. Reading other people’s blogs kinda always makes me feel like my life is too uneventful, and today was even reading her lj, though I know she prob kill me if she knew, but realise now that just really like her and the way she lives her life. Anw, that’s truly the kind of life I wanna lead, a life in which one can do what one enjoys, go out with friends, engage in hobbies and activities that one is interested in, to go on holidays, do meaningful things like contribute in Church and community work, even run errands, do a job one has a passion for, to play and have fun, and just doing stuff, well, essentially making the most of life. I mean, God’s plan for our lives is more than just making the most of our lives, but at this moment, with my life far from being made the most of, I can’t really say that I’m seeing God’s greater plan for my life, than what I think life should be.
So, right now, the only thing I can do is trust in the Lord and lean not on my own understanding. One thing, I must say is that, I don’t know why I have to rely on people for my happiness, just coz I don’t know how they fill their lives with so many activities and meaningful things. Its like they say, opposites attract, and I hate that I always seem to be the one who is with few friends, with very little going and having such a boring life. I know that I really can’t live life always relying on others, coz I’d be disappointed too many times if I were to do that. Just that, I really dun know what stuff to do to make my life more complete without relying on someone else. Sometimes, I guess, I even make friends with people just coz I wish some of it would rub off on me. But, to make matters worst I can’t say I have any good friends at all, maybe one or two, but we are just too distant still, prob more physically.
Really, I dun know how I’m feeling, I’m really just dumping thoughts out from my head now, trying to recall things that have happened and all the reflections and thoughts in my head, hoping to find out how I’m feeling about my life. What I can say is that it is sort of BITTERSWEET, yet not exactly, its like I feel so so upset inside and just really feel like my life is just in a bad state, I’m just so filled with emotion, almost like depressed, everything is just really really bleak. Like, my life is really not exciting, fun and meaningful enough. Plus, what’s more is that, I don’t even know what’s going to happen to me next year, like will my results be good enough? And, like if I don’t get into my dream course…how? If even this doesn’t even go my way, my life seriously would be completely a disaster. There is just so much I hope for in my life, and right even to just make the most of the holidae, but I can’t even do that. I know that even as I say this, just gives one the impression that I’m such an irritating person, always complaining about life but seriously, you tell me to shut up and go live life, I won’t be able to coz I just really don’t know what to do with my life. My life is just seriously so far from the best that it could be and like it is frustrating that there’s so much that life could be, if only I could fill my life with people, experiences and things.
And, like, I know that when I seek first the kingdom of God and all these shall be added onto you, and that delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart, and My(God’s) grace is sufficient for me(you). But, the trouble is, like I don’t know whether I make my own opportunities or do I just wait for the opportunities to come my way. I know that obviously we cannot expect everything to present itself to us. But, I’m clueless as what to do or where to go. I really wonder how people find their own opportunities. Like, I don’t know what exactly is missing in my life, but I feel like something is missing. Again, I know that we have everything in Christ. But, somehow, there are so many aspects in my life that seem inadequate. It is not that I don’t believe that God will provide me with all I need to live life fully, but it’s just that at this point I’ve hit a wall, and things have not began to fall into place, I guess, it’s a process I’ll have to go through, in order to reach the point in the future that God has always had in His plans for my life. I guess, in terms of material things that really hasn’t been any problem at all and I have family, yea not always perfect but more than I could ask for, and the other thing that I can feel thankful for is that I’ve made it through formal education. Most importantly, I can be thankful that God is Lord of my life. But, right now, haven’t seen anyone for a long time and I’ve absolutely no other activity in my at the moment, other than, eat, sleep and use the com all day.
Its like on one hand I feel my life is totally fallen apart, like everything I wish to have in my life, all I ever wanted and every part of my life, just seems to be slipping away. Yet, somehow, I’m feeling kinda joyful at the same time, its like life has knocked me down to my knees and as if I’ve lost everything in terms of my dream for life, and I’ve only God to look to. It’s very much the hope in the dark moments of life, that is somehow making me feel this amazing feeling of like having hit rock bottom in life yet knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that God is using whatever is in my life for His plan. It’s almost self-indulgent, like I rather life not be so easy for me, I mean it seems like the less we have and like the more we lose, that more we treasure what we have. Nothing almost seems to matter anymore, and whatever you do it can only improve things. It’s when we feel like our lives have so little and we seem like we are lacking in everything, that we realise that nothing really means anything, and everything that we are and have are from God, and all that matters is that the Lord is always watching over us. And, when life gets out of control and we just can’t make it on our own and we are just clueless as to where to go in life, we can only seek God’s help, and truly we learn to completely surrender everything to God and know that God will take care of everything, all we have to do is let Jesus take the wheel. I mean, yea, they say that we get what we make out of our lives and all, but I believe that God opens doors for us to live life the way He intended for us according to His plans, just that I guess right now in my life I can’t see those doors yet and I guess we just got to follow in the path that God leads us.
In the end, I’m sure everything will turn out ok, its like what the Bible says that, All Things Work For The Good Of Those Who Love Him. Maybe, perhaps I should take more initiative to decide the things I really wanna do and are within my means, and just go do them. The only problem, is that sometimes I just don’t know what I really want, and it coz I’ve never really made my own decisions. All I know is that I want to have a complete experience of life the way God intended for it to be. Again, it seems like the assumption is that God sets in our hearts what He wants us to do. But, sometimes in life, living for God’s glory means doing what God wants us to do not what we want to do with our lives. I guess, then, that I just got to really seek God and ask Him what He wants me to do with my life. After all, seek and you shall find and ask and you will receive, I’m sure, God will show me the way and tell me what to do to truly live life fully, which is living the way God intended for us, which is for His glory. Whatever I feel that I may not have in my life doesn’t matter anymore, just that I need to do the things that God planned for me to do and I’m sure my life will be. How am I so confident that my life will be full as long as I’m doing what God wants me to do? It’s just that, the Lord I know has a great plan for my life beyond what I could dream of and the Lord says that I Have Come So That You May Have Life And Life In Full.
ONE THING I REALLY WANNA SAY IS THAT I HOPE THAT ANYONE WHO READS THIS DOESN’T THINK THAT I’M ALWAYS COMPLAINING ABOUT MY LIFE JUST TO GAIN SYMPATHY, EVEN IF PERHAPS IT SEEMS SO, COZ THE TRUTH IS I’M COMPLAINING ABOUT MY AND WANT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT AND KNOW THAT THINGS CAN CHANGE BUT I JUST DON’T KNOW HOW AND WHAT I’M HOPING FOR IN MY LIFE, ALL I KNOW IS THAT I JUST WANT TO LIVE LIFE FULLY AND BRING GLORY TO GOD’S NAME.
But, I don’t intend to sit back and wait for things to happened, although I’m trusting in God to lead me into finding things that He wants me to do that will make my life more meaningful, fun and exciting. Just at dinner today, I saw my sister having a mango ice-blend, right, so I wanted to have some to but I am sick btw, so yea, doc told me not to have cold drinks, not that I actually listened to that but like it gave me a thought. That is that, the more we cannot have something the more enticing it becomes, and the more we want something, the harder it is to get. Life, seriously I feel play games with us man, like when you really want something it is always so elusive but when we have something we don’t really want it as much anymore. And, yea, like after I finally managed to convince my mum to let me have some, I finally got to drink it and I realise something else, when you really want something and do all you can to get it you may just get it. But, there is a cost, after having the drink, my couth came back.
So anw, back to my main point I’m feeling so like my life is in a really terrible state but yet I’m feeling kinda like joyful, because I’m not doing enough in my life at this point and my life feels awfully lousy, but it kinda feels good to feel that my life is in such a mess and still I’m holding on and trusting God, its like I almost got nothing left and everything just coz I’ve got God by my side. It is like I can just feel all the bitterness and and like long for something and feel like everything’s just crazy and bad and just feel all that emotion and just be upset about something and completely just let it all out and let go of everything and just feel so thrashed around by life and it all don’t matter anymore and just escape and be in your own world and think things over, reflect and just watch as everything you thought life should be crumble before your eyes. Almost like its so beautiful so powerful, like a beautiful disaster, though it damage is great and it hurts, it so amazing and the sheer awe at how life plays such silly games with us. Yet, you know that after the storm clouds pass, things are just going to be alright, like the rainbow at the end of the storm. There is hope and there is thus something to live for and that is God’s glory in all of our suffering and there is meaning, and there is purpose and there is joy and a passion to live life fully and for God’s glory. Just this morning, after the day before where I was so sick and so felt everything was so bleak and felt so emo, perhaps the rainy weather didn’t help but today the sun stream in from the window in rays of brilliant light this morning and I went toward the window, feeling the warmth of the morning sun, and I knew, my life is beginning to feel better, even though I prob still feel I need to do more with my life.
So yea, almost like a breakthrough and like the sunshine after the storm, so everything was great again today and seem to get back an air of positivity and I had great day and really felt like things will get better. And, what greater joy is there than knowing that, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it”. This week in all of my brokenness and how my life feels to have been so empty and so inadequate, I realised that truly, I have everything in Christ and even if I have nothing, it doesn’t matter as long as I have God with me and that to follow Christ, requires one to submit everything to God, so when I felt my life had nothing going on, it helped to really understand, that to have a life is not what I really want, for it profits not a man to own the whole world but lose His soul, and that a surrendered life to God is all I need for in Christ coz as we know Him more God will in His power provide us with all we need to live a truly good life. And, anw, all I need to do is use whatever I have for God’s glory and perhaps I’ll try my best now to by God’s grace fin the things I wanna do in my life that will get me out of this misery of living life so plainly and change things in my life, all for God’s glory and of course it will bring me greater joy and fulfilment.
Just anw, contributing to the feelings I’ve been having this week, I must say that being bored with little to do and without seeing people from school for a long time, I’m beginning to feel nostalgic, well I do miss the times in school even if they weren’t always as I liked, but I’m also feeling a feeling close to nostalgia but not, dun think there is a word for it but it is like I wish I could go back to those times and change the way I spent my time in school so alone and not as active as I wished. All in all, more like bittersweet all the way, the joy and the pain that’s how I’ll summarise my week.
The only other fun thing though that I can talk about is that I went out with my mum, sis and dad to Marina square which was btw so dead on Saturday. Anw, but half way thru, my dad went with me alone leaving my sis and mum to shop, to Millennia Walk, super high-end man…!!!...Felt quite uncomfortable coz it felt like a rich and expensive place, and we like visited all the high class boutique and not many there too actually. Went into one shop selling like Marc Jacobs snickers, and it well costs a mere $500 only…ok jk, tts way expensive. And, in the other decoration store, my dad like dropped this 24 carat gold plated decorative item but luckly he managed to cushion its fall so no damage. But, like the store owner came up and like told us it costs $300 dun know whether he was hinting something, but anw nothing else happened. And, one funny thing was that when my dad jokingly told my mum and sis to not disturb our shopping, the guy there was like saying “I hope that was your friend”…lol. Anw, I realise its really not worth it the material things that the world has to offer and that are so expensive, you could get a cheaper item that does the same job, so whatever man.
But, anw here are the emo songs that I’ve been listening to this week, which maybe contributed to that mood:
Learning to Fall by Boys Like Girls…
When I’m Gone By Simple Plan
I look around me
But all I seem to see
Is people going nowhere Expecting sympathy
It's like we're going through the motions
Of a scripted destinyTell me where's our inspiration
If life won't wait I guess it's up to me
No we're not gonna waste another moment in this town(Whoa Oh)
And we won't come back the world is calling out(Whoa Oh)
Leave the past in the past gonna find the future(Whao Oh)
And misery loves company
Well so long You'll miss me when I'm gone
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone(Oh oh oh)
ProcrastinationRunning circles in my head(Oh oh oh)
While you sit there contemplating
You're wound up left for dead(You're left for dead)
Life is what happens
While you're busy making your excuses
Another day
Another casualty
But that won't happen to me(Whoa oh)
No we're not gonna waste another moment in this town(Whoa oh)
And we won't come back the world is calling out(Whoa oh)
Leave the past in the past gonna find the future
And misery loves company
Well so longYou'll miss me when I'm gone(Ohh, ohh, ohh)
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone(Ohh, ohh, ooh)
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
ohh on ohh on ohh on ohh on ohh on
When I'm gone
ohh on ohh on ohh on ohh on ohh on(Let's go! )
Won't look back
When I say goodbye
Gonna leave this big hole behind me
Gonna take what's mine tonight
Cause every wasted day
Becomes a wasted chance
You're gonna wake up feeling sorry
Cause life won't waitI guess it's up to you(Whoa oh)
No we're not gonna waste another moment in this town(Whoa oh)
We won't come back the world is calling out(Whoa oh)
Leave the past in the past gonna find the future
And misery loves company
Well so long You'll miss me when I'm gone(Ohh, ohh, ohh)
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone(Ohh, ohh, ohh)
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone(Ohh, ohh, ohh)
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone(Ohh, ohh, ohh)
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
This song I must say gave me great inspiration this week though not the musically nicest song but the words I feel speak right to me. So anw, I read up about the meaning of the song and someone commented this:
I think this song is about a group of people who complain about things going wrong in their life but don't want to do anything to change it so they just sit there and complain and want sympathy. So he is saying that if you let your life pass you by thinking that you can't change it then it's your life you are wasting and he is going to take his chances and work hard for what he wants. It's a good message.
Well, I’m not sitting here complaining only, but I know I can change things in my life to live such that I have no regrets and really live life to the fullest, just that I never really knew how and even now I’m still learning how to but I’m asking God for help me so that I may do what I’m passionate for and live life the way I want, which is the way God wants me to live and I don’t think God wants me to waste time, and besides a life lived for God is a life lived to the fullest.
Save You By Simple Plan (my favourite this week)
Take a breath
I pull myself together
Just another step until I reach the door
You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you
I wish that I could tell you something
To take it all away
Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I won't give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
When I hear your voiceIt's drowning into whispers
It's just skin and bones There's nothing left to take
No matter what I do I can't make you feel better
If only I could find the answer
To help me understand
Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
That if you fall, stumble down
I'll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith in you
I'll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting if you fall
Oh you know I'll be there for you(Ahahaha)
If only I could find the answer
To take it all away
Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know(Oooh)
I wish I could save you
I want you to know(Ohohh)
I wish I could save you (ohh)
Someone’s Watching Over Me By Hilary Duff (awesome!!!)
I found myself today
Oh, I found myself And ran away
But something pulled me back
The voice of reasonI forgot I had
All I know is you're not here to say
What you always used to say
And it's written in the sky tonight
[Chorus]So I won't give up
No, I wont break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe Someone's watching over me
I've seen that ray of light
And it's shining on my destiny Shining all the time
And I won't be afraid To follow everywhere it's taking me
All I know is yesterday is gone
And right now I belong
To this moment To my dreams
[Chorus]So I won't give up
No, I wont break down Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe Someone's watching over me
It doesn't matter what people say
And it doesn't matter how long it takes
Believe in yourself and you'll fly high
And it only matters how true you are
Be true to yourself
And follow your heart
[Chorus]So I won't give up
No, I wont break down Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strongEven if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
That I wont give up
No, I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
That someone's watching over, Someone's watching over, Someone's watching over me
Oh, yeah oh...
I Just Can’t Live a Lie By Carrie Underwood
Lately nothing I do ever seems to please you
And maybe turning my back would be that much easier
Cause hurtful words are all that we exchange
But I can't watch you walk away
Could I forget about the way it feels to touch you?
And all about the good times that we've been through
Could I wake up without you every day?
Would I let you walk away?
No, I can't learn to live without
And I can't give up on us now
(Chorus) Oh, I know I could say were through
And tell myself I'm over you
But even if I made a vow I promise not to miss you now
And try to hide the truth inside I fell cause I,
I just can't live a lie
Could I forget the look that tells me that you want me?
And all the reasons that make loving you so easy
The kiss that always makes it hard to breathe
The way you know just what I mean
No, I can't learn to live without
Ohh, so don't you give up on us now
Ohh, I know I could say were through
And tell myself I'm over you
But even if I made a vow I promise not to miss you now
And try to hide the truth inside I fell cause I,
I just can't live a lie
Ohh, and I don't wanna try
Ohhhh, I know I could say were through
And tell myself I'm over you
But even if I made a vow I promise not to miss you now
And try to hide the truth inside I fell cause I,
I just can't live a lie
I just can't live a lie
But even if I made a vow
I promise not to miss you now
And try to hide the truth inside I fell cause I,
I just can't live a lie Oh, I can't live a lie x2
Starts With Goodbye By Carrie Underwood (a short line of it)
I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
But getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.
What I wanna say is that life’s bittersweet but just go out and live life the way it should be lived, never give up and chase your dreams, most importantly live for God’s glory, wherever you are at its never too late, btw, a three days grace song, the last three words.
That’s the thing about me, there’s so much I want from life and I have this tremendous passion for living life, yet all I do is live minimally. So that explains why the people I like the most are people who I believe are in that sense living life to the fullest and who lead active lives. Reading other people’s blogs kinda always makes me feel like my life is too uneventful, and today was even reading her lj, though I know she prob kill me if she knew, but realise now that just really like her and the way she lives her life. Anw, that’s truly the kind of life I wanna lead, a life in which one can do what one enjoys, go out with friends, engage in hobbies and activities that one is interested in, to go on holidays, do meaningful things like contribute in Church and community work, even run errands, do a job one has a passion for, to play and have fun, and just doing stuff, well, essentially making the most of life. I mean, God’s plan for our lives is more than just making the most of our lives, but at this moment, with my life far from being made the most of, I can’t really say that I’m seeing God’s greater plan for my life, than what I think life should be.
So, right now, the only thing I can do is trust in the Lord and lean not on my own understanding. One thing, I must say is that, I don’t know why I have to rely on people for my happiness, just coz I don’t know how they fill their lives with so many activities and meaningful things. Its like they say, opposites attract, and I hate that I always seem to be the one who is with few friends, with very little going and having such a boring life. I know that I really can’t live life always relying on others, coz I’d be disappointed too many times if I were to do that. Just that, I really dun know what stuff to do to make my life more complete without relying on someone else. Sometimes, I guess, I even make friends with people just coz I wish some of it would rub off on me. But, to make matters worst I can’t say I have any good friends at all, maybe one or two, but we are just too distant still, prob more physically.
Really, I dun know how I’m feeling, I’m really just dumping thoughts out from my head now, trying to recall things that have happened and all the reflections and thoughts in my head, hoping to find out how I’m feeling about my life. What I can say is that it is sort of BITTERSWEET, yet not exactly, its like I feel so so upset inside and just really feel like my life is just in a bad state, I’m just so filled with emotion, almost like depressed, everything is just really really bleak. Like, my life is really not exciting, fun and meaningful enough. Plus, what’s more is that, I don’t even know what’s going to happen to me next year, like will my results be good enough? And, like if I don’t get into my dream course…how? If even this doesn’t even go my way, my life seriously would be completely a disaster. There is just so much I hope for in my life, and right even to just make the most of the holidae, but I can’t even do that. I know that even as I say this, just gives one the impression that I’m such an irritating person, always complaining about life but seriously, you tell me to shut up and go live life, I won’t be able to coz I just really don’t know what to do with my life. My life is just seriously so far from the best that it could be and like it is frustrating that there’s so much that life could be, if only I could fill my life with people, experiences and things.
And, like, I know that when I seek first the kingdom of God and all these shall be added onto you, and that delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart, and My(God’s) grace is sufficient for me(you). But, the trouble is, like I don’t know whether I make my own opportunities or do I just wait for the opportunities to come my way. I know that obviously we cannot expect everything to present itself to us. But, I’m clueless as what to do or where to go. I really wonder how people find their own opportunities. Like, I don’t know what exactly is missing in my life, but I feel like something is missing. Again, I know that we have everything in Christ. But, somehow, there are so many aspects in my life that seem inadequate. It is not that I don’t believe that God will provide me with all I need to live life fully, but it’s just that at this point I’ve hit a wall, and things have not began to fall into place, I guess, it’s a process I’ll have to go through, in order to reach the point in the future that God has always had in His plans for my life. I guess, in terms of material things that really hasn’t been any problem at all and I have family, yea not always perfect but more than I could ask for, and the other thing that I can feel thankful for is that I’ve made it through formal education. Most importantly, I can be thankful that God is Lord of my life. But, right now, haven’t seen anyone for a long time and I’ve absolutely no other activity in my at the moment, other than, eat, sleep and use the com all day.
Its like on one hand I feel my life is totally fallen apart, like everything I wish to have in my life, all I ever wanted and every part of my life, just seems to be slipping away. Yet, somehow, I’m feeling kinda joyful at the same time, its like life has knocked me down to my knees and as if I’ve lost everything in terms of my dream for life, and I’ve only God to look to. It’s very much the hope in the dark moments of life, that is somehow making me feel this amazing feeling of like having hit rock bottom in life yet knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that God is using whatever is in my life for His plan. It’s almost self-indulgent, like I rather life not be so easy for me, I mean it seems like the less we have and like the more we lose, that more we treasure what we have. Nothing almost seems to matter anymore, and whatever you do it can only improve things. It’s when we feel like our lives have so little and we seem like we are lacking in everything, that we realise that nothing really means anything, and everything that we are and have are from God, and all that matters is that the Lord is always watching over us. And, when life gets out of control and we just can’t make it on our own and we are just clueless as to where to go in life, we can only seek God’s help, and truly we learn to completely surrender everything to God and know that God will take care of everything, all we have to do is let Jesus take the wheel. I mean, yea, they say that we get what we make out of our lives and all, but I believe that God opens doors for us to live life the way He intended for us according to His plans, just that I guess right now in my life I can’t see those doors yet and I guess we just got to follow in the path that God leads us.
In the end, I’m sure everything will turn out ok, its like what the Bible says that, All Things Work For The Good Of Those Who Love Him. Maybe, perhaps I should take more initiative to decide the things I really wanna do and are within my means, and just go do them. The only problem, is that sometimes I just don’t know what I really want, and it coz I’ve never really made my own decisions. All I know is that I want to have a complete experience of life the way God intended for it to be. Again, it seems like the assumption is that God sets in our hearts what He wants us to do. But, sometimes in life, living for God’s glory means doing what God wants us to do not what we want to do with our lives. I guess, then, that I just got to really seek God and ask Him what He wants me to do with my life. After all, seek and you shall find and ask and you will receive, I’m sure, God will show me the way and tell me what to do to truly live life fully, which is living the way God intended for us, which is for His glory. Whatever I feel that I may not have in my life doesn’t matter anymore, just that I need to do the things that God planned for me to do and I’m sure my life will be. How am I so confident that my life will be full as long as I’m doing what God wants me to do? It’s just that, the Lord I know has a great plan for my life beyond what I could dream of and the Lord says that I Have Come So That You May Have Life And Life In Full.
ONE THING I REALLY WANNA SAY IS THAT I HOPE THAT ANYONE WHO READS THIS DOESN’T THINK THAT I’M ALWAYS COMPLAINING ABOUT MY LIFE JUST TO GAIN SYMPATHY, EVEN IF PERHAPS IT SEEMS SO, COZ THE TRUTH IS I’M COMPLAINING ABOUT MY AND WANT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT AND KNOW THAT THINGS CAN CHANGE BUT I JUST DON’T KNOW HOW AND WHAT I’M HOPING FOR IN MY LIFE, ALL I KNOW IS THAT I JUST WANT TO LIVE LIFE FULLY AND BRING GLORY TO GOD’S NAME.
But, I don’t intend to sit back and wait for things to happened, although I’m trusting in God to lead me into finding things that He wants me to do that will make my life more meaningful, fun and exciting. Just at dinner today, I saw my sister having a mango ice-blend, right, so I wanted to have some to but I am sick btw, so yea, doc told me not to have cold drinks, not that I actually listened to that but like it gave me a thought. That is that, the more we cannot have something the more enticing it becomes, and the more we want something, the harder it is to get. Life, seriously I feel play games with us man, like when you really want something it is always so elusive but when we have something we don’t really want it as much anymore. And, yea, like after I finally managed to convince my mum to let me have some, I finally got to drink it and I realise something else, when you really want something and do all you can to get it you may just get it. But, there is a cost, after having the drink, my couth came back.
So anw, back to my main point I’m feeling so like my life is in a really terrible state but yet I’m feeling kinda like joyful, because I’m not doing enough in my life at this point and my life feels awfully lousy, but it kinda feels good to feel that my life is in such a mess and still I’m holding on and trusting God, its like I almost got nothing left and everything just coz I’ve got God by my side. It is like I can just feel all the bitterness and and like long for something and feel like everything’s just crazy and bad and just feel all that emotion and just be upset about something and completely just let it all out and let go of everything and just feel so thrashed around by life and it all don’t matter anymore and just escape and be in your own world and think things over, reflect and just watch as everything you thought life should be crumble before your eyes. Almost like its so beautiful so powerful, like a beautiful disaster, though it damage is great and it hurts, it so amazing and the sheer awe at how life plays such silly games with us. Yet, you know that after the storm clouds pass, things are just going to be alright, like the rainbow at the end of the storm. There is hope and there is thus something to live for and that is God’s glory in all of our suffering and there is meaning, and there is purpose and there is joy and a passion to live life fully and for God’s glory. Just this morning, after the day before where I was so sick and so felt everything was so bleak and felt so emo, perhaps the rainy weather didn’t help but today the sun stream in from the window in rays of brilliant light this morning and I went toward the window, feeling the warmth of the morning sun, and I knew, my life is beginning to feel better, even though I prob still feel I need to do more with my life.
So yea, almost like a breakthrough and like the sunshine after the storm, so everything was great again today and seem to get back an air of positivity and I had great day and really felt like things will get better. And, what greater joy is there than knowing that, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it”. This week in all of my brokenness and how my life feels to have been so empty and so inadequate, I realised that truly, I have everything in Christ and even if I have nothing, it doesn’t matter as long as I have God with me and that to follow Christ, requires one to submit everything to God, so when I felt my life had nothing going on, it helped to really understand, that to have a life is not what I really want, for it profits not a man to own the whole world but lose His soul, and that a surrendered life to God is all I need for in Christ coz as we know Him more God will in His power provide us with all we need to live a truly good life. And, anw, all I need to do is use whatever I have for God’s glory and perhaps I’ll try my best now to by God’s grace fin the things I wanna do in my life that will get me out of this misery of living life so plainly and change things in my life, all for God’s glory and of course it will bring me greater joy and fulfilment.
Just anw, contributing to the feelings I’ve been having this week, I must say that being bored with little to do and without seeing people from school for a long time, I’m beginning to feel nostalgic, well I do miss the times in school even if they weren’t always as I liked, but I’m also feeling a feeling close to nostalgia but not, dun think there is a word for it but it is like I wish I could go back to those times and change the way I spent my time in school so alone and not as active as I wished. All in all, more like bittersweet all the way, the joy and the pain that’s how I’ll summarise my week.
The only other fun thing though that I can talk about is that I went out with my mum, sis and dad to Marina square which was btw so dead on Saturday. Anw, but half way thru, my dad went with me alone leaving my sis and mum to shop, to Millennia Walk, super high-end man…!!!...Felt quite uncomfortable coz it felt like a rich and expensive place, and we like visited all the high class boutique and not many there too actually. Went into one shop selling like Marc Jacobs snickers, and it well costs a mere $500 only…ok jk, tts way expensive. And, in the other decoration store, my dad like dropped this 24 carat gold plated decorative item but luckly he managed to cushion its fall so no damage. But, like the store owner came up and like told us it costs $300 dun know whether he was hinting something, but anw nothing else happened. And, one funny thing was that when my dad jokingly told my mum and sis to not disturb our shopping, the guy there was like saying “I hope that was your friend”…lol. Anw, I realise its really not worth it the material things that the world has to offer and that are so expensive, you could get a cheaper item that does the same job, so whatever man.
But, anw here are the emo songs that I’ve been listening to this week, which maybe contributed to that mood:
Learning to Fall by Boys Like Girls…
When I’m Gone By Simple Plan
I look around me
But all I seem to see
Is people going nowhere Expecting sympathy
It's like we're going through the motions
Of a scripted destinyTell me where's our inspiration
If life won't wait I guess it's up to me
No we're not gonna waste another moment in this town(Whoa Oh)
And we won't come back the world is calling out(Whoa Oh)
Leave the past in the past gonna find the future(Whao Oh)
And misery loves company
Well so long You'll miss me when I'm gone
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone(Oh oh oh)
ProcrastinationRunning circles in my head(Oh oh oh)
While you sit there contemplating
You're wound up left for dead(You're left for dead)
Life is what happens
While you're busy making your excuses
Another day
Another casualty
But that won't happen to me(Whoa oh)
No we're not gonna waste another moment in this town(Whoa oh)
And we won't come back the world is calling out(Whoa oh)
Leave the past in the past gonna find the future
And misery loves company
Well so longYou'll miss me when I'm gone(Ohh, ohh, ohh)
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone(Ohh, ohh, ooh)
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
ohh on ohh on ohh on ohh on ohh on
When I'm gone
ohh on ohh on ohh on ohh on ohh on(Let's go! )
Won't look back
When I say goodbye
Gonna leave this big hole behind me
Gonna take what's mine tonight
Cause every wasted day
Becomes a wasted chance
You're gonna wake up feeling sorry
Cause life won't waitI guess it's up to you(Whoa oh)
No we're not gonna waste another moment in this town(Whoa oh)
We won't come back the world is calling out(Whoa oh)
Leave the past in the past gonna find the future
And misery loves company
Well so long You'll miss me when I'm gone(Ohh, ohh, ohh)
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone(Ohh, ohh, ohh)
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone(Ohh, ohh, ohh)
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone(Ohh, ohh, ohh)
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
This song I must say gave me great inspiration this week though not the musically nicest song but the words I feel speak right to me. So anw, I read up about the meaning of the song and someone commented this:
I think this song is about a group of people who complain about things going wrong in their life but don't want to do anything to change it so they just sit there and complain and want sympathy. So he is saying that if you let your life pass you by thinking that you can't change it then it's your life you are wasting and he is going to take his chances and work hard for what he wants. It's a good message.
Well, I’m not sitting here complaining only, but I know I can change things in my life to live such that I have no regrets and really live life to the fullest, just that I never really knew how and even now I’m still learning how to but I’m asking God for help me so that I may do what I’m passionate for and live life the way I want, which is the way God wants me to live and I don’t think God wants me to waste time, and besides a life lived for God is a life lived to the fullest.
Save You By Simple Plan (my favourite this week)
Take a breath
I pull myself together
Just another step until I reach the door
You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you
I wish that I could tell you something
To take it all away
Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I won't give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
When I hear your voiceIt's drowning into whispers
It's just skin and bones There's nothing left to take
No matter what I do I can't make you feel better
If only I could find the answer
To help me understand
Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
That if you fall, stumble down
I'll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith in you
I'll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting if you fall
Oh you know I'll be there for you(Ahahaha)
If only I could find the answer
To take it all away
Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know(Oooh)
I wish I could save you
I want you to know(Ohohh)
I wish I could save you (ohh)
Someone’s Watching Over Me By Hilary Duff (awesome!!!)
I found myself today
Oh, I found myself And ran away
But something pulled me back
The voice of reasonI forgot I had
All I know is you're not here to say
What you always used to say
And it's written in the sky tonight
[Chorus]So I won't give up
No, I wont break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe Someone's watching over me
I've seen that ray of light
And it's shining on my destiny Shining all the time
And I won't be afraid To follow everywhere it's taking me
All I know is yesterday is gone
And right now I belong
To this moment To my dreams
[Chorus]So I won't give up
No, I wont break down Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe Someone's watching over me
It doesn't matter what people say
And it doesn't matter how long it takes
Believe in yourself and you'll fly high
And it only matters how true you are
Be true to yourself
And follow your heart
[Chorus]So I won't give up
No, I wont break down Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strongEven if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
That I wont give up
No, I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
That someone's watching over, Someone's watching over, Someone's watching over me
Oh, yeah oh...
I Just Can’t Live a Lie By Carrie Underwood
Lately nothing I do ever seems to please you
And maybe turning my back would be that much easier
Cause hurtful words are all that we exchange
But I can't watch you walk away
Could I forget about the way it feels to touch you?
And all about the good times that we've been through
Could I wake up without you every day?
Would I let you walk away?
No, I can't learn to live without
And I can't give up on us now
(Chorus) Oh, I know I could say were through
And tell myself I'm over you
But even if I made a vow I promise not to miss you now
And try to hide the truth inside I fell cause I,
I just can't live a lie
Could I forget the look that tells me that you want me?
And all the reasons that make loving you so easy
The kiss that always makes it hard to breathe
The way you know just what I mean
No, I can't learn to live without
Ohh, so don't you give up on us now
Ohh, I know I could say were through
And tell myself I'm over you
But even if I made a vow I promise not to miss you now
And try to hide the truth inside I fell cause I,
I just can't live a lie
Ohh, and I don't wanna try
Ohhhh, I know I could say were through
And tell myself I'm over you
But even if I made a vow I promise not to miss you now
And try to hide the truth inside I fell cause I,
I just can't live a lie
I just can't live a lie
But even if I made a vow
I promise not to miss you now
And try to hide the truth inside I fell cause I,
I just can't live a lie Oh, I can't live a lie x2
Starts With Goodbye By Carrie Underwood (a short line of it)
I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
But getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.
What I wanna say is that life’s bittersweet but just go out and live life the way it should be lived, never give up and chase your dreams, most importantly live for God’s glory, wherever you are at its never too late, btw, a three days grace song, the last three words.
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